Our Father in Nirvana And Thy Son on Earth
by Thorn In Your Side
Summary: After foolishly wondering aloud why Konoha insists on making such a big deal about his Dad, Naruto finds himself in Nirvana thanks to the Hokage's botched jutsu. Worse, Minato's now on Earth! Family reunions, ruined reputations, and a few missions follow.
1. Celebrations and Shocks

Our Father in Nirvana (and Thy Son on Earth)

**Our Father in Nirvana (and Thy Son on Earth)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. **

**A/N: God damn it. To hell with the original story, I'm in my fanfiction swing and I'm not getting out! Off! …WHATEVER!!**

**Synopsis: After foolishly wondering aloud why Konohagakure insists on celebrating his father's birthday and death-day with such drama and splendor, Naruto finds himself in Nirvana, courtesy of the Sandaime's botched jutsu. But that's not all—it's one soul for another in the Afterworld, and Minato finds himself occupying the body his son left behind. **_**Meanwhile **_**that old coot Sarutobi has the gall to go and die on the father-son duo, and leave behind a successor (Tsunade) with no idea of how to break his spell. **

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It was a bright day, sunny and gorgeous. Well…it was a bright, sunny day. That part is true. And oh, _**boy, **_was it sunny. You could've cracked an egg on the pavement and made an omelette, not that you'd want to eat it. It was on the pavement, and it was just too _**sunny. **_

__"This is insane," Sakura panted, squinting up at the sun, "Isn't there some law that prevents a day from being this hot?"

Kakashi peeled off his mask (to hell with secrecy, it was too freaking hot!) and fanned himself. "No, but there is one that prevents me from stripping in public, which is the only reason you aren't scarred for life now."

"I don't think it's that bad," Sasuke said calmly. The pink haired kunoichi and his sensei turned to glare at him. But it was true—the Uchiha didn't seem fazed at all by the heat.

Naruto walked up to them at their rendezvous point, holding an ice pack to his head. "Heya Sasuke, Sakura-chan, Kakashi-sensei! Yo, Sasuke! I see you took my advice!"

"What advice?" Sakura asked immediately, and Sasuke made cut-throat gestures at Naruto. The oblivious idiot rubbed the back of his head, frowning. "I told him to stitch the inside of his clothing with ice packs."

Kakashi and Sakura turned towards the black haired boy.

"What?" he asked, "You actually thought I could stand this temperature just 'cause I'm an Uchiha? We're cool, we're not _**that **_cool."

"It's too flinging flanging hot!" Naruto whined, "Even with the ice-packs and everything! Sane people would be indoors in air-conditioned rooms, _**not **_burning to death!"

"It's the Yondaime's birthday," Kakashi said sternly, "He's your father, and you of all people should appreciate this day. Konohagakure is celebrating!" he waved at the street full of sweaty, dehydrated citizens. It was _**supposed **_to be a fair, and it was, in the same way that Sai was a perfectly normal, _**straight **_boy.

And he wasn't.

Naruto scrutinized his sensei. "Are _**you **_appreciative of this day?"

"No fucking way, are you kidding me? It's freaking more than a hundred and ten degrees and I have to wander around a fair that's about as much fun as washing gym socks."

"Well then you're a hypocrite."

"The land abounds with hypocrites. I am only one."

"Since that's settled, why don't we all get together and petition for the 'fun' to stop?"

"Because," Sakura groaned, "It's too hot to rock the boat!"

"And it's not too hot to be standing around in the sun?"

"Good point."

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"I love my father more than you do," Naruto argued with Shikamaru, "But this is stupid! Why do we have to make such a big deal about his birthday and his death day and whatever? I mean, the man's been dead fifteen years! He probably doesn't even care about it anymore!"

"And yet I am still not motivated to move from this pool. I wonder why? Oh, maybe it's because _**I don't give a flying fuck.**_"

"I wonder how you actually _**do **_give a flying fuck," Kakashi said absent mindedly. Sasuke and Sakura stared at him, and he shrugged. "The heat's going to my head."

"We gotta do something!" Naruto whined.

"We must lobby for change! Oh, youthful Naruto-kun, I shall join you in your most noble quest for justice, for the heat is most supremely NON-YOUTHFUL!" Lee yelled.

Sakura sweatdropped. "Oh my GOD, Lee, what the hell are you wearing!"

Sasuke averted his eyes. "There's a law against you stripping," he questioned his sensei, "And yet there's no law against _**that?**_"

"It's too hot for our youthful attire," Gai explained with a youthful grin, "Hence this! It is not so youthful but is very cooling!"

Tenten whistled through her teeth as she walked up to them. "Dang, jumbo," she told Lee, "How were you hiding _**that **_under your suit?"

Lee. Gai. Speedos. And now Tenten complimenting their size? Naruto had had enough.

"I'm going home," he announced disgustedly, "And I'm gonna start my protest against _**all **_Yondaime holidays! Who's with me!?"

"I am!" Lee shouted.

"I am!" Gai echoed.

"Okay," Naruto revised, "Who's with me and not wearing Speedos?"

If it was a Chuck Jones cartoon, you'd hear the crickets chirping. If they'd been in a desert, you'd hear the wind howl and tumbleweed…um, tumble by. But it wasn't, and they weren't, so it was all silent among their group. You could even hear the happy sounds (hah) of the fair.

"Bitches."

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Sarutobi frowned over the crystal ball on the cushion. "Naruto," he tutted, "You should respect your father more. He did a great favor for Konoha, and we are only trying to repay him."  
Realizing the boy couldn't hear him, he sighed to himself. "Maybe…you should hear this from your father himself," the old man mused. "Yes…now where's that jutsu?" he rummaged through his jutsu collection (stored in his handy dandy jutsu collecting giant trunk! Now available in blue.)

"Pervert ninjutsu…pervert ninjutsu…ooh! Pervert genjutsu! Okay, pervert ninjutsu, pervert ninjutsu…old copy of Kama Sutra…new copy of Icha, Icha Paradise…pervert ninjutsu…pervert ninjutsu…"

And this was the man they'd wanted as Hokage.

"Aha! Send-clueless-teen-to-nirvana-to-meet-his-dead-father-for-a-much-delayed-parental-ass-chewing jutsu!"

May the gods have mercy on Konoha.

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Minato woke up with a wide yawn, his fisted hands punching the air and his toes curling as he shook the slumber from his body.

Of course, there was no actual _**slumber **_in nirvana, just eight hours spent not having his body massaged by beautiful women, eating, and watching baseball.

What, surprised? There is a reason religion says be good. If you're good, you get nirvana. If not…well, most religions agree that you go to a very hot place and burn for eternity. (And right now that place was probably Konohagakure.)

The Yondaime opened his eyes and gazed at the ceiling in consternation. For one thing, there was a ceiling. Last he'd checked, he'd fallen asleep in a hammock hung between two palm trees. Second of all, this ceiling was topping a room…a very messy, disturbingly-un-nirvana-like room.

He looked down at his body, or more specifically, the orange sheets covering his body. "What the hell?" he muttered, scratching his balls. He froze, and then felt himself up.

That was most definitely not his schlong.

"What the _**hell!" **_he exclaimed, leaping out of bed, tripping over a scroll on the ground, stumbling over to the dresser that was cluttered with all sorts of unimaginable trash, and gazing into the mirror.

He was sixteen again!

Ah, so it must be some sort of new change-implementing law that had been passed in nirvana. Have everyone relive their youth as a break from all the sex—erm, singing. Singing the praises of the Buddha. And some other, less M rated stuff.

Except...Minato peered closer at his face. His eyes hadn't been so round. His cheeks had been unscathed all his life; leave alone at the age of sixteen. The hair was his, beyond a doubt…he cautiously swiped at his thing again. His dick had been way bigger than _**that, **_hadn't it? I mean, this was just sad. It couldn't have been more than, what—two inches?

His eyes snagged on a picture on the dresser, carefully poised above the clutter. The blond he'd been looking at in the mirror was there, glaring out of the corner of his eye at a dark haired brat that looked as though he'd like to drive a dart into the thick of his own thigh rather than be here. A pink haired kunoichi held her fists up to her cheek in a fit of giggly excitement, eyes scrunched up in a smile. But what had really caught Minato's attention was the man whose hands were on the boys' heads, a silver haired man in a jounin jacket and a silky navy blue mask.

"Kakashi?" Minato wondered, "What? Now, I know he wasn't…unless that's his father…? But then…who are the brats?"

This was just way too fucking confusing. Was it too much to ask to be able to wake up to a normal day for once? He should've known the whole gorgeous women giving wake up massages thing was too good to last. With his luck, he was probably alive again. He started to chuckle at the absurdity of the thought, but then felt apprehensive when it didn't strike him as particularly funny.

He ran to the window, looked outside, and cursed loudly.

He was back in Konohagakure, and he was stuck in a body that wasn't his.

And it didn't even have a good dick.

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

**I'm picking up on Sai's penis jokes. Poor Minato. No wait…poor Naruto! **


	2. When Things Seem Off

Our Father in Nirvana (And Thy Son on Earth)

**Disclaimer: Don't own Naruto! **

**A/N: Yes I know Japanese for mother is okaa-sama or kaa-chan or what have you. But I like him calling her ma! Also, I have only a vague idea of what nirvana is (union with the soul of the world…or is that Hinduism?) so I made it heaven-esque. **

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

Ninjas are taught from a young age that, when faced with an unnerving situation, they must find and inhabit the _quiet place_ at their core. From that _quiet place, _they should assess the situation calmly, analyze their possible options, and act on the one that makes most sense, is most beneficial to the village, and is most likely to assure the completion of the mission.

"OH MY FUCKING GOD!!"

It could be said that the Fourth Hokage wasn't following that sound piece of advice.

"OH MY MOTHER FUCKING GOD!!"

_**Could**_ be said? He was spazzing out like a girl who finds that she's having a bad hair day on her prom night.

"What the hell is wrong with you, dobe?" Minato looked to the door and found an older version of the black haired boy from the photo standing there, drowsy. "It's eight AM on a Saturday; it's too early to be screaming. So shut up before I really give you something to scream about!"

"You know me?"

Sasuke shot 'Naruto' a weird look. "What have _**you **_been smoking lately?"

"What?" Minato asked, confused, "I don't smoke."

"Naruto," the Uchiha sighed, "What have we talked about? No more funny tasting ramen!"

Naruto…Naruto…the name rang a bell. A bell? It rang huge brass church bells. Gongs. Drums. A whole series of alarms were going off in Minato's head. Naruto was the name of that character from Jiraiya's book. Naruto was the name of his _**son. **_

And suddenly, all the pieces clicked into place.

Well, the piece with the almost-but-not-quite-younger-version-of-him, at least.

Now to find out why the hell he was in his son's body.

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Naruto woke up much the same way he did every day: his inner stiff egging him on to wake the hell up, and his inner lazy ass telling him to shut up and sleep. Then he remembered he had a mission at noon today, and with a triumphant 'hah!' his inner stiff won, and the lazy ass groaned as the blond's eyes opened.

Immediately, a quote he'd heard somewhere popped into his mind: "You lay awake in your bed, looking up at the stars, and you wonder…where the hell is my roof!?"

Except he wasn't looking at the stars, he was looking at a sky that could rival the blue in his eyes. He was looking it at it through the breeze-buffeted fronds of two stately palm trees, arching their trunks over him. And…and…he squirmed a bit in the 'bed'. He was in a hammock!

It wasn't that Naruto didn't like blue skies and palm trees and hammocks. It was that he had most definitely had fell asleep in his own room, on his own bed, and now he was in…in…what? Where was this? After a furious battle with the hammock (his foot was stuck) he fell out of it, into soft whitish sand. Getting up, he shook the grains out of his hair and surveyed his surroundings with a growing sense of alarm and incredulity.

The azure waters crashed against the ivory sands barely thirty feet from where he stood. White crests of waves were visible far into the distance, where they melted seamlessly against the sapphire sky. Naruto turned around, to scrutinize more palm trees, and, oddly, some very good looking and rather scantily clad women walking towards him.

I'm sorry, did I say oddly? I meant excellently!

"Hello, ladies," Naruto grinned.

"Minato!" the nearest one squealed. The grin faded from his face. Wherever this was, it looked like he was still in his father's shadow, with people confusing him for the older Uzumaki.

"I'm his son, Naruto," he mumbled.

"Not Minato?" the brunette beauty puzzled. She looked over her shoulder. "Girls! It's not Minato!"

"Aw," the girls chorused sadly.

Then they faded into nothingness, leaving behind a very disturbed teen.

"What the hell?" he muttered, unaware that his father was doing the same thing on Earth.

A man was walking toward him, with long black hair. He beamed at Naruto. "Minato! It's been a year! How you been, buddy?!"  
The blond sighed. "Not Minato," he explained, "I'm his son, Uzumaki Naruto."

"You're dead?" the man asked blankly.

"No, I'm his son," Naruto seethed. Was this guy deaf or stupid or some new combination of the two? Suddenly, it struck him that the man was all too _**familiar**_—he was the First Hokage!

"Seriously," Naruto wondered aloud, "What the _**hell?**_"

"Well," Shodaime said, "Wanna head out for beer?"

"Um…"

"Minato!" another voice rang out. Naruto faced a fair haired man.

"I'm not Minato! I'm his son!"

"Really?" the new man (Naruto recognized him as the Second Hokage…really…what the HELL!) peered closely at the boy. "Damn, you're right. Minato's better looking than you."  
A nerve pulsed in the blond's temple as the two brothers greeted each other.

"So, mini-Minato—"

"Naruto."

"What'd I say?"

Naruto made a strangling motion with his hands. If one more person here got him mixed up with his father he would most definitely—

"Minato!"

—gape like an idiot. Whoa momma. This woman was hot. She had long auburn hair, and jade eyes sparkled, different from the bright shade of emerald that Sakura's eyes held, filled with untapped potential and gleeful, childish cleverness. This woman's eyes were happy; they were the eyes of a female who has been through everything a female should go through, and some more besides.

"You're not Minato," she frowned.

_Oh sure_, Naruto berated his guardian angel, _the ugly dudes don't see it, but the hot chick does._

"Kushina! How are you!" Nidaime exclaimed.

Kushina. Naruto's eyes widened. This woman was his _**mother. **_

"Ma?"

The woman turned to the boy. "Who you calling _**ma, **_punk ass? Do I look like a mother to you?"

"But you are my mother! I'm your son!"

The green eyes widened with an unreadable emotion. "My son?"

"Kushina, meet Naruto," the Nidaime said unnecessarily.

"Are we going out for beer or not?" his older brother demanded.

"My son! Naruto!"

"Yes," the blond sighed, wondering if everyone here was so slow, "Naruto. Your son."

"My son! It's my son! I'm meeting my son for the first time! he's so _**tall! **_He's so grown-up! Oh, I'm overwhelmed by motherly love!!" she cried.

The males watched this passionate outburst with an air of slightly alarmed bemusement, and then the Shodaime spoke up: "You don't feel a single thing, do you?"

"Nope, nothing; zip. _Nada_."

"You must be a terrible mother," the fair haired Hokage said bracingly. She welled up and burst into tears, sobbing. "Oh my goodness, you're right! I see my own _**son **_for the first time in sixteen years, and I don't even feel a speck of love for him! What is _**wrong **_with me!"

Naruto and the Shodaime glared at the man, who shrugged. "Don't go piercing me with your sniffy attitudes now. I was a Hokage, not a therapist. What the hell do I know about comforting?"

Naruto awkwardly put a consoling arm around his mother. "Um, ma, it's okay! I don't really feel anything either, so you're not a terrible mother! You know, I heard somewhere that for some people motherly love just takes longer to rise up."

She put her hands on her hips, soft green eyes glinting dangerously. Before Naruto had time to marvel at the sudden change, she lashed out at him. "Oh, that really helps! I'm sixteen years late for bonding with my child, and now he comes to tell me that he doesn't like me one bit! What is _**wrong**_ with you?"

Naruto glanced helplessly at the guffawing Hokages.

"Did we mention she was kinda bipolar?"

"Don't need to be a therapist to see that."

"It's not that I don't like you, it's that I just met you," Naruto attempted. But she waved him away. "Oh, let it go. Now, how did you die?"

"What?" he frowned. Why was everyone here asking him about death?

"How did you die? Sixteen, that's such a young age…oh. Don't tell me," she squinted suspiciously at him, "You committed suicide because the villagers were being mean? I swear if that is the case I'm going to go down there and kick _**all **_of their asses, and then come back up here and kick your ass!"

"And kick their asses again," Nidaime mumbled, "They got my nose all messed up on the stupid Hokage memorial."

A sense of foreboding snuck over Naruto. "Up here? Down there? Ma, this may be a very stupid question to ask, but where exactly am I?"

Kushina smiled at him. "Nirvana, of course!"

The sense of foreboding stopped short in its tracks, grumbled about not being given enough screen time (page time?) and turned abruptly into full-fledged panic.

"I'm in NIRVANA!? How the HELL did that that happen!? What the fuck is going on here I'm not DEAD I was alive when I fell asleep!! Oh. My. God. I bet it was Akatsuki, those stupid assholes snuck up on me in bed and killed me! Maaaaa! I don't wanna die!!"

Kushina nodded to the Hokage siblings, and the Shodaime held the boy while his younger brother slapped him upside the head. Naruto quieted down, rubbing at the blooming bruise on his face.

"Now," Kushina began, "I may have not been around for, oh, your whole life, but if you don't watch your tongue, I _**will **_ground you, nirvana or not."

"But—"

"I'll do it!"

Naruto shut up. Mothers. Even in death, you couldn't argue with them.

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

**Hmmm, this chapter was shorter and didn't get as far ahead as I had planned. But I thought it was pretty funny. I adore Kushina! **

**P.S. Review reply for the annonymous reviewer MasterBratten: Yes, I'm mean to Naruto. And I'm not about to stop because it's so much fun! And hey, Gai is HOT. Regardless of what I might do with him in my stories, I think he's "all that". **


	3. Jutsus with Unknown Origins

Our Father in Nirvana (And Thy Son on Earth

**Disclaimer: I don't own the fandom!**

**A/N: Wow, I am having way too much fun writing this; every time I thought about the plot today I'd start grinning like a demented duck. I'm pretty sure I scared some people. **

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

Minato trotted down the street, marveling at how much Konoha had changed in the past sixteen years. Had it been so noisy when he was last alive? Had there been so many people? Had it been so colorful, so vivid, or so beautiful?

"Move it, loser!" a gaggle of urchins nearly ran him over on their bikes, and he shook his fist at them. "Stupid brats! Watch where you're going!"

Well, the kids had definitely gotten _**worse. **_

One thing hadn't changed; ever since the village had been founded, the Hokage office stayed put. Minato entered it, running swiftly up to the inner chamber of the Hokage. He noted that no one had tried to stop him, and figured that Naruto was known and respected around here, either because of his father, or due to his own adventures.

That, or security had really gone to hell in his village.

"Naruto?" the voice he heard sounded senile. "What are you doing here? Back already from nirvana? How is Minato?"

"Sarutobi-sama?"

The Sandaime looked deep into the blue eyes of the Uzumaki, as though searching his soul. Minato realized that this man was the most powerful ninja in all of Konohagakure, and to be the leader of such a great shinobi country, he must be wise beyond all imagining. Surely, if anyone knew what was going on, it was this man. His eyes shone with the knowledge of ages, he must be one of the most spectacular shinobi still alive!

"Kukukukuku, you've got a zit on your chin," Sarutobi cackled, "That's the good thing about being old, all you get are warts!"

Or maybe he was just an old fart.

"Sarutobi-sama," Minato said patiently, "This is Minato. You know, the Yondaime? I was in nirvana, but today I woke up on earth. Would you happen to know anything about it?"

"Sure as hell I do! I sent Naruto there, but it turns out you can't just send a soul to nirvana without killing him—"

"Or her," Minato butted in, thinking of Kushina. She'd always been a fiery feminist, and her habits had rubbed off some after so many years of marriage.

"—or her, so when I sent Naruto there to meet you, you came to earth and occupied the only available body…Naruto's!"

Minato blinked. "Why would you want to send Naruto to nirvana?"

"Oh, well that's because…uh, due to…certain events…um…" Sarutobi trailed off, gazing dazedly into space. "Time for my pills!" he trilled happily, grabbing his pill box from his desk.

Minato kneaded his fore head with his palms. This would need some work before he got anywhere.

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Kakashi glanced over the top of his book at the black haired boy. The rest of his team was no where to be seen.

"Is there any point in calling attendance?"

"Sai's sick," Sasuke explained, "And I don't know where Naruto and Sakura are."

"Let's go to her house and check on her," Kakashi decided, "And…doesn't Naruto live with you? How do you not know where he is?"

The Uchiha shrugged. "He was acting all weird this morning, and then he just jumped out the window and –boom— he was gone."

"Boom?"

Sasuke nodded.

Kakashi sighed, and stretched. "To the pink haired-one's domain, then."

-whoosh-

She opened the door, and the first thing her teammates noticed was that she looked perfectly fine. Obviously not sick enough to be late for a mission, if she could answer the door.

The second thing that registered was the white blob of cream on the tip of her nose.

"Sakura? What the hell?" Kakashi asked, tapping his own proboscis.

"It looks stupid," Sasuke snickered.

"Trust me," she said darkly, "It's a lot better than what lies beneath."

"Acne?"

"Acne."

"Not to be a complete prick," Kakashi quipped, "But we have a mission, and if you're not deathly sick, you should come with us. We're already missing Sai, and we still have to find Naruto."

Sakura glared at him. "Easy for you to say, you have a mask!"

"You're being unreasonable; who are you going to meet on a mission that would care about your looks?"

"I dunno, maybe a really cute misunderstood missing-nin!"

"I hope you're not talking about Zabuza or Haku," Sasuke commented, "We killed them, remember?"

"So," Sakura made for a quick change of topic, "Naruto's lost again, huh? Maybe you guys should go look for him!"

She pushed them out of her door unceremoniously. "And while you're out, buy me some milk!"

Sasuke looked at his sensei. "You ever get the feeling that we're the only two sane people on our team?"

Adjusting his mask, the Copy Nin sent out to find his third original student, muttering, "Sane? You? The emo _**prince? **_Hah, that's just rich."

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Back at the Hokage office, Minato was two snaps away from kicking Sarutobi's tuckus to the promised land, sensei's sensei or not. What...what do you mean, 'what kind of measurement is two snaps'? It's _**my**_ kind of measurement! That's retarded? No, you are! WHAT!? Okay, that's it, you! Outta my story!

Ahem. Now that all the annoying troublemaking logic-seekers have been sent away, let's move on with the plot.

"Sarutobi-sama…please concentrate. What was this jutsu that you're talking about? Where did you get it from? Isn't it a forbidden one?"

The Sandaime scratched his nose. "Maybe."

"So why did you use it on my son?"

"I forget. It probably had something to do with teaching him a lesson, we old people do that. I remember back when I was a kid and I first met my fifth grade teacher and he said 'Don't eat that, it's toxic!' and then we were in the emergency room and there were spoons…"

"And," Minato interrupted, "Do you remember the cancellation jutsu?"

"…Did I ever tell you about the time I saved the world?"

"Several times," the Yondaime sighed, "In three different languages, not counting sign, and once in a pantomime. But about my son…?"

"He's a superb student, I'm sure he'll fly through the midterms with very little problem!"

"I mean about bringing him back to Earth!"

"Yeah, he's screwed. I don't know the cancellation jutsu."

Minato was aghast. "So now he's stuck in nirvana and I'm stuck on Earth!?"

"Earth's not that bad," Sarutobi said, "We have…uh, dango."

"Sarutobi-sama," the blond said in a strained voice, "I _**will **_find a way to get back there. Thanks for your help…and can I assume we'll be keeping this quiet? I mean it wouldn't exactly do for the citizens of Konoha to know that my son's body now hosts the demon _**and **_their savior."

"Sure, Lawliet," Sarutobi hummed distractedly, "Just leave the papers with the monkey on your way out."

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Naruto was in heaven.

Well, nirvana, if you wanted to be technical about it. But whichever one you choose, it was ironic, or something. He was in nirvana, literally and figuratively. His mother, having decided that Minato's nirvana wasn't a very good place for her young son to be hanging around, had taken to him to hers. She'd just snapped her fingers sassily and a swirling portal of colors had appeared from a rip in the air. They'd said bye to the two Hokage siblings (who'd missed it because they were too busy arguing—beer or lager?) and stepped through the portal.

Naruto's eyes had widened. From tropical beach-island to spooky seaside port town, they'd gone. Dark clouds were being buffeted in the sky, and white pelicans swooped low over the gray waters of the sea, snatching up fish in their funny sack-bills. Wooden buildings lined a main street, as though taken out from some old American Western movie town, and the air smelled clear of any pollutants. There were no motorized vehicles visible; horses seemed to be the preferred mode of transportation here. Only a few people were out on the street, dressed in traditional Japanese garb.

"Naruto," Kushina had laughed, "Welcome to Yoroido!"

"Ma?" he'd said wonderingly, "_**This **_is your nirvana?"

"Minato—your father had always preferred something that was only his. We both loved the ocean, but different faces of it: he liked the color blue, the rich indigoes of the deep water, and the playful baby hues of the shallows. He liked the ocean calm and inviting. I liked it when it was stormy, when it was tossing its head around like a mare waiting to be tamed. And I think the color gray is beautiful. It was the color of your grandmother's eyes, you know," she had added.

He'd smiled at her. "I like orange. It's bright and warm."

Kushina took her son by his hand. "Orange? Hmmm…it's not a bad color, I guess. By the way…you don't mind that I'm taking your hand, do you? I know you're too old for it…but…"

"You never got a chance to hold it when I was the right age," he'd supplied, squeezing her fingers, "It's okay ma. I don't mind."

"I don't know what to do with you! Where do I take you, what do I talk about?"

"You owe me sixteen years of birthday gifts, y'know," he'd teased.

"I also owe you sixteen years' worth of nagging, scolding, grounding, and telling you to clean up your room."

"Let's skip the gifts," Naruto had said hastily, "Show me where you live!"

"This is home," she'd announced, flicking on the lights, "It's simple, but it's what I love best."

And Naruto loved it too. Drab though it was, Spartan though it was, lacking in orange though it was…it was his mother's home. It was a parent's home, and it felt like a parent's home; warm and safe…and filial.

All that had happened hours ago—seeing the town for the first time, being in Kushina's house, eating dinner (she loved ramen! His mother loved ramen! She could make fifty different types!). All of this wasn't the reason Naruto was over the hill with joy. No, it was the conversation that had taken place over dinner, which had led to him being here.

"So," Naruto had spoken, "Each soul has his or her own nirvana, and they can all wander between them?"

"No, actually. Just for fifteen days a year. But when you've got eternity, a year flies by just. Like. That," Kushina had enunciated by stabbing her chopsticks in the air, "And then we go back to each of our own nirvana."

"Cool."

"Naruto…do you want to meet the rest of the family?"

Chopsticks had frozen halfway out of his mouth, and his jaw had fallen open, and the ramen had fallen out. "Rest of the family?"

Kushina scowled at the clump of noodles on her spotless table cloth. "Clean it up! Honestly, like father like son. _**Yes**_, the rest of the family. You think we're the only Uzumakis around?"

"Do I have any cousins?" he'd wanted to know.

"Two," the redhead had nodded, "Um, what were their names now…? Leiko! Leiko and Hinako. The twins, Minato's brother's daughters. They died when they were thirteen on a mission. So, you wanna meet them first?"

He'd been speechless. He had cousins. He had an uncle. He had _**grandparents, **_for crying out loud, real, live (well…not really, but you know what I mean) cookie-baking present-buying grandparents.

And _**that **_was the reason he was on cloud nine.

Never had he felt so happy. Never had he felt so compelled to cry.

00000000000000000000000000000000000

"Naruto!" Kakashi yelled, "There you are! Sasuke and I have been looking everywhere for you!"

"Kakashi?" the blond turned to face the jounin, his mind racing. It didn't take a lot to figure out that Kakashi had gotten his son as a student, (ah, the continuing legacy: from Sandaime to Sannin to Yondaime to Copy Nin to…to…whatever name Naruto would make for himself. Minato desperately hoped it was cooler than 'Copy Nin'. I mean, seriously, Kakashi couldn't think of anything better to dub himself?) and he'd taken care to learn the names of his teammates. Sakura was the girl, and Sasuke was the friend-turned-traitor-turned-friend, there was an ANBU high-level ninja named Yamato who lent a hand when Kakashi had been out of action and there was someone named Sai…

Teams were getting too big these days. Back in his day, it'd been a captain and three subordinates, and even only two subordinates for subtlety missions. What were they thinking, putting six people on one team?

Minato wondered vaguely when he'd gotten old enough to be thinking 'back in my day'.

"What's up?" he asked his once-student, now-sensei.

"We have a mission! Let's go, dobe," Sasuke said.

"Nah, I think I'll skip," Minato said lightly. They had three other team members, let one of them go, he had work to do. How to get back to nirvana, for example. "I gotta go do some reading at the library."

This so shocked the two males that they could only watch him saunter off.

"Reading? Naruto, the library, and reading?"

"He turned down a mission to read!?"

"No way! Naruto Uzumaki?"

"To _**read?!**_"

The real Naruto didn't know it yet, but his carefully built reputation as prankster and book-hater was quickly going down the drain.

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

**I realize Sarutobi is a lot more…daft now than he was in chapter one, but I'm too lazy to go back and correct that. Besides, he's so much more fun when he's crazy! **


	4. Voices in His Head

Our Father in Nirvana (and Thy Son on Earth)

**Disclaimer: No sarcasm. No witty quips. Real plain and simple: I don't own Naruto. **

**A/N: I'm re-watching Death Note…is it wrong to want to be the doughnut that Ryuuzaki/Lawliet/L/Ryuuga is eating? That man! Doesn't he need a license to be so adorable!?**

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

Having been deprived of their regular three teammates, Kakashi and Sasuke had sought alternatives. The Copy Nin had roped in Ino and Kiba, while the Uchiha, not being able to find anyone as artsy-fartsy or flamingly gay as Sai, had settled for Neji.

"They're both total pricks," he'd said defensively when Kakashi raised an eyebrow. His sensei decided to let it pass. What Hyuuga Neji did not know would not harm Sasuke.

The mission in question was to go to a seaport town and put down the rebellion that had risen up against the mayor. Hey, the mayor was rich. He could afford a high-class ninja team to kick his citizens' butts. Of course, the citizens were civilians, so that meant no genjutsu or ninjutsu was to be used.

"These are the days I wish I'd specialized in taijutsu," Sasuke complained, "What's the fun in it if I can't sharingan the bejeezus out of them?"

"And what about my Sixty-Four Palm method? Without using the byakugan, the Gentle Fist Style is just a groping technique!" Neji groused.

"You can use it on me anytime," Ino grinned.

"Quit hitting on me when Tenten's not around!"

"Focus, people!" Kakashi yelled, "Kiba, what do you think you're doing?"

The dog-nin shrugged. "Akamaru ran off with some bitch."

"And?"

"Erm, lately I've been only practicing double techniques, so I can't fight without him?"

"I don't believe this. Akamaru's off getting some, and I have to fight _**civilians**_," the Hyuuga scowled.

"You can still kick, can't you?" Kakashi said, "And punch? So go do that. Knock the bastards out."

"Really?"

"Go nuts."

So they went nuts.

"By the way—PUNCH—what's that rumor about Naruto and the library I—KICK—heard?" Ino yelled.

"Oh yeah—STAB WITH FINGER—damn that doesn't work anymore—STAB HARDER WITH FINGER IN PRESSURE POINT—heh, not so cocky now are you? I heard that rumor too," Neji said.

"Um," Sasuke said, "Unfortunately—SUPER MEGA POWER PACKED PUNCH!—it's true. Naruto gave up this mission to (and I quote) work at the library."

"He's got a job at the—DOUBLE KICK—_**library**_? Our Naruto?"

"I don't think it's a job—UNNAMED PHYSICAL ATTACK—I think he meant…he'd be reading."

They all looked at each other uneasily.

"It _**can't **_be."

000000000000000000000000000000000

Dear god, Minato was going crazy. What was wrong with this town? Why couldn't a teen boy sit down in a library and read? Had it been outlawed in the last decade or so, because that's how it felt with the looks he got. Weird looks. Looks that suggested he had a booger hanging off his nose or his fly was unzipped or that he'd just said that the sky was actually purple, not blue.

His nose was clean. His fly was shut. He hadn't said a word in hours.

So why the damn _**looks?**_

_Maybe it's the fact that you're so ugly it hurts them to look at you, _a snide voice suggested.

"Naruto?"

He looked up at the touch of a hand on his shoulder, still not used to answering to his son's name. A pale, worried looking boy was standing there, pasty fingers curled on Minato's shoulder blade. Though if you asked the Yondaime, someone should be worried about the boy. Even through his clothing, the blond could feel the fever that raged within his body, and the tiredness that his dark eyes gave away. Suddenly it struck him that this boy was Sai, the latest addition to his son's team.

_Ooooh, aren't you clever?_

"Naruto, are you alright?"

"Yeah, Sai, you look terrible though. Take a seat," Naru-Minato waved the boy down, placing the back of his hand on the other male's forehead. "Damn, you could bake a cake on your skin! You should be in bed."

Confusion bubbled in Sai's eyes. "Why are you here?"

_Why do you think, butt munch? Why does anyone come to a library? Sex in the back aisles, or books!_

"To read. The question is, why are _**you **_here?"

"My apartment seems too big these days," Sai said, "I think its loneliness, what I'm feeling. Ugly Dog said I should get a roommate. Anyway, I came over here because it makes me feel better. But…you, dickless! Why are _**you **_here? Seriously."

_Did he just call me dickless? _Minato thought bemusedly, _Well, Naruto is sadly lacking in that area…_

"Who's Ugly Dog?" _It's Sakura, ass wipe. _

"Sakura. What, have you gotten stupider since I last saw you?"

"Oh, yeah, I was just kidding. Why is it so hard to believe that I'm actually reading?"

"Because you're…Naruto. You thought Dickens was a porn star. You thought Shakespeare was a rapper. You can't tell me you've suddenly developed this respect and love of literature," Sai said.

Naruto thought Dickens was a **porn star**? Minato really had a bone to pick with the Sandaime. What kind of stuff did they teach in ninja school nowadays?

_Uh, I don't know, maybe…HOW TO BE A FUCKING NINJA?_

"Well maybe its time I did develop a liking for books," Minato scowled, "And its definitely time for you to go back to bed. You look like you're going to drop dead any second now."

"Shut up, shit head. You're not the boss of me. I'm staying here."

The ex-Hokage was not used to people doing anything but bowing and obeying when he gave an order. He was _**certainly **_not used to being called a shit head. He didn't take kindly to it either.

"How about I put it this way? You get up off your ass, or I drag you off of it and carry you to your apartment bridal style. Then everyone'll think you swing the other way."

"Wow."

"Exactly."

"You HAVE gotten stupider, haven't you? I DO swing the other way, nubbin."

_He did not just say that to you. Knock him dead!_

"How's this then: you get up, or I kick your ass."

"You, kick my ass?" Sai went blue in the face, making a strange hacking sound, and Minato realized he was laughing. Oh, fruity boy was asking for it. No one doubted the Yondaime's ability to kick ass. Well, no one but Kushina, but that was a totally different situation.

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"What the hell?" Sakura exclaimed when Naruto showed up at her doorstep with a bruised Sai in tow, "It's normally Sai who shows up with you," she muttered, placing her hand on the gay guy' cheek to push healing chakra into the bruise, "Don't tell me you've actually gotten stronger?"

"I was just going easy on him till now," Minato said in an off-hand attempt to boost his son's coolness. Lord knew the boy needed it, what with his pitifully diminutive manhood.

_It's like a little candy cane! _

So he was hung up on it. So sue him. He was a father, and what father likes to think that a eunuch probably has a bigger dick than his son?

"Naruto? Are those _**books **_in your hands?"

"He said he was reading," Sai quipped.

"Bullshit!" Sakura turned to the blond, "Were you?"

"Yeah."

"Why?"

Minato sighed. Clearly, the whole 'why-can't-I-read' argument wasn't cutting any ice with these people. He opted for a less truthful but more likely answer.

"I'm trying to impress this girl. She likes well-read guys."

Sakura gaped at him with widening eyes, and then welled up, throwing her arms around him. "Is it Hinata? Have you finally got it? You're in love! Oh, I've been dreaming of this day! She's going to be so happy—"

"It's not Hinata!" Minato said, pushing her away. Kushina may be dead, but he would swear the woman had a way of knowing when another female touched her man. She'd probably come down and kick this girl's ass if she thought she was mooching onto her property. "It's not anyone from Konohagakure," he added for good measure, lest anyone else have a crush on Naruto.

"But it's a girl?" Sai asked, looking dejected, "Definitely a girl?"

"Definitely," Minato assured him. He wasn't sure, of course, never having met his son, he didn't know if he was gay or not. If he was, that would make the dick deal a whole less important. Ukes didn't need big dicks, just tight asses—

Minato cut himself off. Where were all these thoughts coming from?

"Its _**Temari?!" **_Sakura shrieked, "Oh my god, Gaara's gonna kill you! Kankurou's gonna kill you! Hell, Shikamaru's gonna kill you!"

_Gee, she must be quite the girl to have so many ready to kill me just for liking her, _Minato mused.

_Oh she is, trust me. Great rack, excellent butt, and hair to rival your own._

"It's not Temari," Minato said aloud, wondering how the hell his inner voice would know someone he'd never met, "It's just…someone I met recently. On a mission. You don't know her. So listen, can I study here?"

"Sure," Sakura shrugged, "Ino's not gonna be back till much later tonight—" (Minato assumed Ino was the roommate) "So you and Sai can stick around."

It wasn't until he'd shut himself in the rosette's room and cracked open the books did the voice speak up again.

_So what, you really don't recognize me? Fucking asshole._

And suddenly, Minato had a vision of a fox with nine tails and a tongue that would make a sailor blush.

_Kyuubi no Kitsune, baby. I've been wanting to have a little alone time with you for a long while. _

00000000000000000000000000000000

Mother and son stepped through another one of the portals, and this time there was a group of people waiting for them, in the courtyard behind a large wooden cottage.

"These are my sisters, Kaya—" introduced Kushina.

"So nice to meet you!" cried an auburn haired woman, with rich, mica-colored eyes, throwing her arms around Naruto. Unlike his mother's straight sheets of ruby-gold, this woman's hair curled and frothed over her shoulders and well past her waist.

"—and Kohana—"

"Welcome to the clan," another, nearly identical woman grinned. Her eyes were gray, and sparkled teasingly. He could already tell she would be the fun aunt, and Kaya would be the one that would cause him to gain a hundred pounds or so if he didn't watch out.

"This is Kaya's husband, Yukio…"

"Please," the dark haired man with the sun-kissed smile said, "Don't invent any nicknames for me. I got enough at school, y'see."

"No problem," Naruto grinned.

"And Kohana's lover, Ryoko…"

A young woman with blue hair and amber eyes beamed at him. "I'm sure we'll get along great!"

"Minato's older brother Zinan, and his wife, Mika…"

A double of his father, except with hazel irises, hugged him warmly. "It's like looking at my otouto again," he whispered, "I half wanna give you a wedgie and read your diary out to the school."

"You did that to my dad?"

"Meh, older brothers, they're bastards, I was no different."

His wife, a dainty thing with brown hair and green eyes, smiled at him. "Hello," she said shyly.

"Their daughters, Leiko and Hinako…"

Two girls, both blue eyed, but one blonde and the other brunette, waved cheerfully at him.

"You better watch out," the blonde giggled, "Hinako and I like to prank people, onii-san!"

Onii-san. He was an _**onii-san? **_

"And we're not gonna go easy on you," her sister added, "Family or not!"

Family. He had a family.

"Well, it'll be tough to catch me," he smirked, "I'm the number one prankster of Konoha, and I'll have you eating my dust!"

"Naruto," Kushina said, "These are my parents: your grandmother Azami, and your grandfather Nao."

Two wrinkled people, hair as white as snow and eyes bursting with love stepped forth. "Our first grandson!" Azami sighed, pressing him to her bosom, "Oh, my little Naruto!" True to Kushina's words, her eyes were gray, and beautiful. Nao had black eyes, deep set and beady, but trembling with tears and a fierce sort of energy.

"Such a shame that you should die so young," he murmured, "But don't worry. You're with family now. We'll take good care of you."

"And these are your father's parents, Hikari and Tetsuya."

Tetsuya, it turned out, had died nearly twenty years before his wife, and the woman looked much older than him. The head of the Uzumaki clan embraced the last in the line, saying, "Ah, my little Minato's Naruto, hmmm? It's a pity I never knew you, but then I barely got to know Minato!"

Hikari was a woman that you could tell had been of great beauty, and Naruto doubted that even Tsunade's breasts could compare to the massive ones he was crushed into.

"My grandson! My youngest grandchild!"

"Hikari, he can't breathe!" Tetsuya cried.

"Oh, sorry," she said, letting go of him sheepishly.

"It's okay," Naruto said breathlessly, hugging her, "It's okay!" he sobbed, trying to express how wonderful this all was, how after a lifetime of being alone, a lifetime of watching others having family dinners and reunions and holidays jealously, how _**good **_it was to have a family of his own. How it felt to hold his mother's hand, to laugh with his cousins, to be hugged by people who loved him instantaneously and unconditionally, just because he shared DNA with them or their loved ones. How it felt to know that these people were _**his, **_that they were his kith and kin, and that he belonged to them, with them. But he couldn't. The words tumbled over themselves in his head, fighting to be said, paragraphs half-forming and crumbling in an instant, and Naruto settled for a strangled sob, crying out,

"Thank you!

...Oh, thank you,

...oh, thank you,

...oh, thank you!"

Because sometimes, sentences succeed where speeches fail.

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

**I am so ashamed of stealing that line from Aburdistan, but I desperately wanted to use it. FYI: I'm talking about the whole 'thank you' deal. **


	5. Missions

**Our Father in Nirvana (and Thy Son on Earth) **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto!**

**A/N: Okay, as a quick guide, because I feel bad about pushing in so many new names at once: Minato's parents are Tetsuya (father) and Hikari (mother), he's got an older brother, Zinan, who has a wife (Mika) with two children, twin girls (Hinako and Leiko). On Kushina's side, Azami's her mum, Nao's her papa, and she's got two sisters, Kaya (whose husband is Yukio) and Kohana, (whose lesbian lover is Ryoko). :scans above: I did give him a decent sized family, didn't I? Well, don't worry, you won't have to know them all too long, just remember the cousins. :hint, hint: **

**A/N 2: Kyuubi! Kyuubi! Kyuubi! KYAAAAAAAA**

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

"So, Naruto, sit down, sit down honey, tell us all about Konoha! What's it like there, now? Has anything changed?" Hikari asked eagerly.

"Of course it's changed," Nao rolled his eyes, "You've been dead for decades! They have TV now!"

"We have iPods, too," Naruto put in eagerly, "Maybe I could make one here, and show you how it works?" Leiko nudged him, a teasing glint in her eyes. "Nii-san, you suck up."

"Shut up," he shoved her, "Old hag."

"Hey!"

"He's right, you know," Mika laughed softly at her daughter's indignant look, "You and Hinako are quite older than him. He was born after we died."

"Yeah," Hinako argued, "But he's still older in body, so he's nii-san!"

"I wonder where Minato got off to," Zinan mused. His sister-in-law dragged him to the table, laughing. "My husband will show up eventually, quite likely drunk off his ass. I'd love to see the look on his face when he sees Naruto!"

The young blond smiled nervously; the idea of meeting his father still scared him a bit. Hinako sensed his discomfort and threw an arm around his shoulder. "Don't worry, nii-san, Uncle Minato is the coolest parent you could have! I wish _**my **_dad was more like him!"

Zinan glared at his offspring. "Hello! I'm right here!"

Leiko stuffed an egg roll into her father's mouth and giggled. "We know, otou-sama, and we don't really care."

"In my day," Azami laughed, "A child would've been whipped for such a comment."

"In your day," Tetsuya teased, "Such a child would've never existed!"

Kaya set the table and tutted over everyone's places, shooing the three children together, placing the four elders at the head and leaving a prominent place between Kushina and Zinan open for Minato. "Come on everyone, the udon is getting cold!"

Kohana nodded to Kushina, saying, "Ryoko's gone to get him, don't worry. He'll be here soon enough, that girl could track down an ant in a forest."

The Yondaime's wife smiled gratefully at her sister. "I found Naruto in his nirvana, you know. But he didn't see him there either; the stupid man must've left as soon as the barriers lifted."

"That's our Minato," Hikari chuckled, "Always in a rush to get places."

"With no idea of how to get there!"

The table burst into laughter, and Naruto relaxed instinctively again. Well, not entirely, he had to keep an eye on his food to stop his fun loving cousins from stealing it or slipping something slimy into it. Hinako squealed as he caught her wrist, flicking the worm out of her hand. "Aw, nii-san!"

"Try again," the blond chortled, and Leiko winked at her twin. "We don't have to, you just ate a slug."

"What!?"

"Gotcha!" they cried together, and before Naruto could decide which one to glare at, Ryoko burst in breathlessly.

"Sandaime-sama died! He's on his way _**here!"**_

0000000000000000000000000000000000

_You mother fucking bastard, locking me up like that for SIXTEEN BLEEDING YEARS into your stupid ass turd of a kit, I swear I could just eat your soul and spit it out, you tanuki testicled son of a bitch!_

"Impressive," Minato muttered, flipping through his book, (Forbidden Jutsu of the Ages) "You never repeated a single swear. You been working on that for a while, huh?"

_Like I had anything better to do, cooped up in this complete _**moron's **_head for so long!_

"That's my son you're talking about," the Yondaime observed. It had already been a half hour; after Minato figured out that Kyuubi no Youko couldn't physically harm him, he'd decided to enjoy the barrage of insults, and had even picked up a few new words. Note to self: do not try those in front of Kushina.

_He's not my son, is he? And he is a moron. Good god, would you believe it took him three tries to pass out of the Academy? _

"I'm sure he'd have done it sooner if you had helped him!"

_Excuse me, but who was the butt munch that gasped with his last, dying breath to make sure that his only child grew up as an independent young man? Who told me to keep the hell out of his life unless he was in dire need of help? Who condemned me to god-only-knows-how-long-a-life in this kit's head, playing poker with myself and watching him get off to the _**weirdest **_pictures…_

"Okay," Minato groaned, "Information overload."

He tuned out the demon and resumed scanning his texts for some clue as to the nature of the jutsu Sandaime had used.

_By the blood of my ancestors, is __**that **__what you've been trying to do all this time? That's easy. _

"What's easy?"

_Everything about that jutsu is in __**that **__book. No, not that—to your left—I mean my left—the other left—oh for the love of the gods! The book with the purple cover!_

"Thanks!" Minato said enthusiastically, skimming through the pages, "Wow, you're right—"

_Am I ever wrong?_

"This is all about souls and nirvana and plane-travel! Amazing!"

_You know what's amazing, how boring you humans are. Here I am, the Kyuubi no Youko, and all you care about is some stupid inter-planar travel jutsu. _

Minato promptly tuned him out again and focused on the book.

000000000000000000000000000

"Naruto?" Sakura entered the room, "Kakashi-sensei and Sasuke are here. They wanted to know why you were reading, so I told them about your girl. They wanna know more!"

"You bet we do!" Kakashi followed her in, "My little student's all grown up! I'm going to have grand students! I call dibs on godfathering the first born!"

Sasuke scowled. "No, I get the first born because I'm his best friend!"

"What about me?" Sai butted in, "I could've been his gay lover!"

Sakura snickered. "You guys can fight all you like, but I'm god MOTHER to all his kids!"

"Damn lucky bitch."

Minato cleared his throat. "I have an announcement to make and ruin your far fetched fantasies. I am not in love—well, I am, but that's not the point. My wife's dead—"

"You're already _**married**_?!" Kakashi gaped.

"No! Well, yes, and I have a son, or I did but he went to nirvana—"

"Holy shit, Naruto," Sasuke hissed, "Were you _**ever **_going to tell us about this?!"

Sai looked wounded "I didn't know you had a son!"  
Minato sighed deeply. Throw in a few more idiots and a montage and you had a classic musical. "I'm not Naruto! I'm his father, Minato…" and the whole story came out.

"Okay," Sakura said, and then turned to Sai. "Naruto's finally lost all his marbles, huh?"

"I would say so."

Minato ground his teeth in frustration. "Pay attention! I really am Minato! And this jutsu—I've just read up on it! It's a gift from the pagan gods to the Ao Family, and so they have the return jutsu as well! We must go there, and I have told you the secret of my existence because I need a team to come with me!"

"Ao Family?" Sasuke pursed his lips in disbelief.

"The Hyuugas of Iwagakure. Proud bitches, apparently. But we have little choice."

"I see."

"Well?"

"Prove it," Kakashi commanded, "Prove that you're really my sensei."

"When you first joined up, Obito gave you a wedgie and you cried for three days because Rin saw—"

"Ah! That's enough! I think he's right," the Copy Nin said to his students, "That's my sensei. That's Naruto's dad."

Sasuke surveyed Minato keenly. "You're the one that locked the demon in him?"

"Yes, not one of my smartest moments but—OW!" he rubbed his cheek where the Uchiha had struck him, "What the hell!?"  
"You made my best friend's life a living hell until I came along. I figured I owed you."

The Yondaime heard Kyuubi guffawing in him. _At least he's loyal. _

Sakura snickered, and Minato glowered at them all. "Alright, I'll admit I deserved that. Can I assume that you're willing to join me in this trip?"

"We need more details," Sai said, "What exactly is this Ao Family?"

"The Ao Family, just like the Uzumakis and Inuzukas and Hatakes of Konoha, is a ninja family of the Hidden Rock Village. If I'm not mistaken (and I'm pretty sure I'm not) all family members gave up on the shinobi way a few generations ago. Too violent, they said, too time consuming, and way too traumatic for the kids. Who has family fun nights when missions take first place in your life? But the Ao Family has dedicated itself to chronicling—and that legacy is continued by the first born, as expected. The present chronicler is Ao Kaya, a young woman of about ten years of age. Of course, that's what it says in the book—which was published ten years ago, so let's make that twenty years of age. We go see her and see what she knows. Hopefully, she'll know enough to truss up some jutsu to set things right."

"I tuned you out," Sai smiled sheepishly, "Can I have a recap?"

"I'll explain on the way," Minato said shortly, "Let's go to the Hokage tower and report."

And so the mission began.

00000000000000000000000000000000

"I'm not _**dead**_?" Naruto was aghast.

"Minato's on _**earth?**_" Kushina was thunderstruck.

"Someone forgot to use a _**coaster!?**_" Kaya was outraged.

The Sandaime nibbled at the Uzumaki woman's cookies appreciatively. "Yum. Cookies. Well, you're not dead, technically, no. Your daddy's on earth trying to figure out how to get back up here, and I was going to help him—but the stupid dresser had to fall on me. When your time comes, it really comes."

"Tough luck, eh, Sandaime," Zinan chuckled. Leiko and Hinako exchanged sly glances with each other, and then nudged Naruto. He looked at them, bewildered. "What?"

"Is Sandaime-sama as easy to prank as he was when we were alive?"

"He may have gotten easier."

"Then he's still no challenge?" Hinako asked.

"Nope."

"Damn, I had such a good idea too…" Leiko sighed.

"Naruto," Sandaime said, "I don't really know how smart your father is, but I think you should look up a member of the Ao Family—they're the family that made the jutsu—here in nirvana before the gates close up."

"But," Naruto struggled to find the words, "I just got here…and…my family…"

Kushina gripped his hand tightly. "Sandaime-sama, is there no other way?"

"Kushina, do you really think your husband can be counted on to get back to nirvana ASAP when he's on earth in the body of a hormonal teen with an extensive fangirl club?"

"Naruto," his mother said, "You find that Ao member and you shake them until their teeth rattle out of their skull and you get your tuckus back down there, and if I find your father has been cheating on me in _**your **_body…"

"There will be _**hell **_to pay," Kohana finished with a grin.

Naruto gulped. "Yes ma'am!"  
Sarutobi nodded. "The family member's name is Hatsuoki. She's the mother of the current Ao Family member on earth—whose name, incidentally, is also Kaya," he added to Uzumaki Kaya, "And who is every bit of a good cook as you are. Naruto, I would advice you to take two of your family with you, those who've been around and can guide you through others' nirvanas…"

Leiko and Hinako pumped their fists into the air before another word could be said. "We call dibs on the mission!"

Naruto chuckled nervously under his mother's malevolent stare. "I guess it's established that I'm going on the mission with them, then?"

The twins smirked at each other. Their poor nii-san had no idea what he'd gotten himself into.

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**


	6. Setting Out

**Our Father in Nirvana (And Thy Son on Earth)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. **

**A/N: Oh look—a monkey! **

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

"Okay," Naruto frowned, "I think I've got it. We find this Hatsuoki woman, and find out what she knows by any means necessary. Then I get my ass down to Konohagakure and stop my father from doing whatever he's doing, which is bound to be in violation of his marriage vows."

"I thought it was until death do us part," Zinan said sassily, earning him a glare from Kushina and his wife.

"Not in Buddhism," Azami said.

"Now remember girls," Kaya was fretting over her twins, "Don't do anything stupid. Take care of your brother, and please, at least _**pretend **_to be ladylike, Hinako…"

"I am ladylike!" the young girl said indignantly.

"Well you do a funny job of showing it with those overalls and cuff links…"

"Okaa-san, not all girls will wear skirts," Leiko rolled her eyes, "Let Hinako _**be.**_"

"Do me proud, baby," her father hugged her hard, "This is your first mission in years—and to come directly from the Sandaime!"

"Hai, papa," she smiled. Hinako cleared her throat loudly, and Zinan scratched his head. "I feel like I'm forgetting something…"

"Chichi-ue!"

"Oh, you!" he laughed and swept her up in a bear hug. "I knew something had slipped my mind!"

Naruto glanced at his mother, who smiled and hugged him. "I'm not sure I'm qualified to give advice," she whispered in his ear, "But take care. And keep moving."

"I will, ma."

"And when you come back here for good, I'll make you a meal to kill you all over again," Kaya trilled, "Now go on, get off, shoo. Take my girls and look out for each other, and be safe. You may be dead, but you're not beyond harm."

"Any idea where to start?" Naruto asked his cousins. They exchanged devious looks and grinned. "We know just the place," Hinako began.

"Where information is handed out accurately…" Leiko continued.

"For a price," they finished.

"Of course," Naruto smiled, "Where?"

"Uchiha Obito's place."

0000000000000000000000000000000

Team Seven was at the Hokage's office.

"I'd like to see the Sandaime," Minato smiled at the receptionist. He'd barged in the last time, but somehow felt an appointment was needed this time. Maybe it had something to do with trigger jutsu all over the doors. One unauthorized touch could smite a person into oblivion.

"You'll have to wait," the redheaded woman drawled, "He's _**dead.**_"

"Ehwhut?"

_Quick witted as ever, _Kyuubi remarked.

'Ehwhut' is a remarkable word. It manages to show off both your ignorance of the situation at hand and you incapacity for eloquence when faced with an unexpected turn of events. Kakashi gently pushed his sensei aside to take over.

"I'm sorry—dead?"

"Yeah," the woman said, "It's all over the village, where've you _**been**_?"

Sai muttered, "Listening to our psychotic-but-hot teammate claim he's his own father." Sakura elbowed him, not too softly.

Kakashi said, "Ehwhut?" and Sasuke decided it was time for a real man to handle the situation.

"What my sensei means," he said, "Is 'we'd like to see the current ruler of Konohagakure, unless they're the council, in which case we'll just head off on our clandestine mission without permission from higher authorities because everyone here knows they'll tell us to sit our asses down and fill out forms'."

Sakura nodded. "And what my teammate means is, 'bye, and thanks for your help'."

_Sometimes I think that girl is the only one among this team with anything close to manners, _Kyuubi told Minato, _and then I see her angry. Fucking scary. _

Sai waited till his team was out, and shook his head at the receptionist. "That," he said, "Is one botched up boob job you have. I know someone who can fix your girls up, you know."

The redhead glared at him. "I didn't _**get **_a boob job."

The artist turned sharply on his heel. "Ugly dog? Do I hear your call? I'm _**coming, **_geez, just wait a fucking minute!"

000000000000000000000000000000000

"Okay," Naruto panted as the three-man team loped up the hill, "Why are we going to see Uchiha Obito, of all people? I thought souls—dead folk—nirvana-goers—_**whatever—**_couldn't see into the real world?"

"His eyes," Hinako replied, not wasting her breath on full sentences.

Naruto paused to catch his breath, hands on knees and head hanging. "Hey, Hinako…not that I don't understand…your appreciation…for a hot guy (and his eyes)—I actually might appreciate it more than I ought to—but don't you think we should, oh, I don't know, _**focus on the mission first**_?"

Leiko leapt next to him and whacked the blond upside the head. "Idiot nii-san, Obito-kun's eyes, we mean, one of them is with Kakashi-san, right? So now he is one of the only known souls who can see into the living world, and the only one we know would help us."

"Oh," Naruto nodded, heading off up the hill again, "Right. And, this hill is…?"

"The way to his home, of course. He likes heights."

The cottage at the top was a demure little thing, a homebody's paradise. They knocked on the wicker door and it swung open to reveal a small living room. There was a sofa set visible, and the rest was in shadows. A soft creaking sound drifted out, coupled with a few suspiciously erotic moans. Naruto's eyes widened with realization.

"Girls," he hissed, "Back out!"

"Why on earth should we do that?" Leiko shot him a look, and waltzed in. He face palmed and followed her, Hinako hot on his heels.

"Obito-kun!" she called out, "It's us!"

A shriek came from the bedroom. "Holy _**shit, **_Leiko? Uh, hold on girls—don't come in!"

Leiko paused in confusion, and Naruto bumped into her. Hinako bumped into him and the trio tumbled to the ground. Obito hastened out with a blue bed sheet wrapped around his waist.

"Now, what is this? Three teenagers together on my floor—that's not a sight I see most days."

Hinako leapt up. "This is our nii-san, Naruto! He just died—well no, but it's a long story—"

"I know," Obito interrupted, "I was watching."

A lithe woman stuck her head out of the bedroom door, the bare, dark skinned yoke of her shoulders attracting attention. "Yo, Obi! We gonna finish this or should I just orgasm without you?"

Leiko gasped. Hinako squeaked. Naruto face palmed again. Obito turned calmly to the woman and said, "Leisha, babe, come back in a few hours, hmm? It's kind of an emergency."

The woman harrumphed and disappeared into the bedroom. She emerged shortly in a long tee that just about covered her bare bum, and sauntered out the door. "I'm gonna take my ass to where it's wanted, yeah!" she snarled. Obito watched her go with a hungry expression until Naruto pointedly cleared his throat.

"Oh, right. Where were we?"

"Were you having sex with that woman?" Hinako demanded. For lack of anything better to say or do, Naruto face palmed himself yet again, and wondered when the signs of brain damage would manifest.

"Uh…I'd really rather not answer that question."

Leiko snorted. "It's kinda obvious that you were."

"Then why _**ask, **_scheming she-wolf?"

"Your mom's a she-wolf!" Hinako yelled. Her twin stared at her in disbelief. "Of all the comebacks—you go with a _yo momma _joke?"

"Getting off topic," Obito said hastily, and Naruto felt it was time to say something intelligent. "Weren't you thirteen when you died?" he asked, "You look more like…thirty."

"It's my nirvana, alright, my rules. I wanna look thirty, why should you have a problem with it?"

The jinchuuriki frowned. "But why doesn't anyone else—"

"Because they chose not to. Now, I know what you're here for. I've been watching everything through Kakashi's eye—and I've been listening to the news too—so yeah, I know where Hatsuoki is. But like I'm sure the brats told you, alright, my information comes for a price," Obito said, plucking an eye patch over his gray eye.

"Why are you covering up that—"

"Because I feel like it. I don't need to see into the mortal plane right now, alright?"

"Why is Kakashi-sensei's eye with you—"

"Dude," Obito said irritably, "_**Why **_do you ask so many questions? And _**where **_are your sisters?"

"In the kitchen!" came the reply.

"Oh fuck no—"

"Obito-kun, is this a _**condom **_on your counter?"

The Uchiha sighed. "I can see down to the mortal plane, but I can't see that coming. I _**knew **_having sex on the island was going to come back and haunt me."

"Ewwww, it's _**used!**_"

Naruto glared at the man. "I judge you."

"Everyone's a critic."

00000000000000000000000000000

They leapt from tree to tree, and Sasuke felt compelled to ask, "Does any of us have any idea where we're going?"

Sakura looked at Sai who looked at Kakashi who looked at Minato who stopped and looked ready to kill something.

"You mean none of you idiots know where Iwagakure _**is**_?"

"I never had a mission there!" Kakashi objected, "And we thought you were leading!"

"Why would I be leading? It's been sixteen years since I was alive, do you think I'd recognize anything around here!?"

"Men," Sakura muttered disgustedly, "Here's a map," she pulled one from her pouch, "It's old, but it'll do. Find out where Iwagakure is and where we are and let's get _**going.**_"

"Men don't need maps," Minato scoffed. Kakashi thought, _oh no, bad move, sensei, _and then Sakura was up in the Yondaime's face.

"Alright blondie, you listen to me. First, no one here likes you a whole lot for locking your son up with a demon fox—"

_A bijuu! I'm a fucking bijuu, bitch!  
_"Secondly, you're not Yondaime right now, you're Naruto and him I can beat up twice before breakfast, thirdly, you better shape up and consult that map before I decide you're a misogynistic ass and break a sweat on you. And _**no, **_Sai," she added to the artist, who'd opened his mouth, "Not in a sex way."

"Must you always catch the innuendo?"

"I must."

Sometimes, Minato forgot that just because Kushina wasn't around, there weren't a couple dozen of her soul twins wandering loosely on the earth. He consulted the map.

"That way," he said, and they took off.

0000000000000000000000000000000

"Don't touch my fudge," Obito said. The girls pouted. "Why not?"

"Because you're unworthy of its taste bud killing goodness."

The girls' pouts grew longer. Naruto rolled his eyes. "What do you want in return for our information?" he asked.

The man grinned. "A promise," he said, "Come aside. Let me talk to you. And brats, girls, she-wolves of a subspecies, if I find any of my fudge missing…"

"The _**implication!**_" Leiko said, clutching her chest.

"It _**wounds **_us," Hinako pretended to swoon.

"Whatever the fuck," he muttered softly enough so they wouldn't hear, and dragged their cousin away for a little chat.

"That way?"

"That way," Obito confirmed, but before they could take off, he said, "And remember—when you meet her—"

"Yeah, yeah, I got it," Naruto mumbled. Leiko and Hinako shared unhappy glances. Whatever the Uchiha had wanted, they hadn't been allowed to know. But they had raided his fridge and were carrying away some of nirvana's finest fudge, so it was all good.

"Take care," the Uchiha called as they left, "And don't forget…"

"I KNOW!" Naruto yelled, and his cousins snickered.

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x **

**Fudge. Is. God. **

**Also, hella long time since an update, so love to those still with me. **


	7. Just Fuckin' with You

**Our Father in Nirvana and Thy Son on Earth**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.**

**A/N: Would you believe me if I told you I just fell asleep one day and woke up today and didn't know what time of year it was; hence the uber late update? No? **

**Worth a try.**

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

Iwagakure was on fire.

No, I'm just fucking with you. In fact Iwagakure was snoring the night away when Minato and his team showed up, and the Yondaime wasted no time in pointing this out.

"They're asleep!"

"Yeah," Sasuke said, "That's what most people do at 2 in the morning."

Sai was slightly more sarcastic. "_**Asleep**_? Oh, gods, the nerve of these fuckers! Imagine not being awake and ready to bask in the glory of dead Hokage in a stolen body!"  
Sakura cracked a grin and said, "Maybe it's because we're unannounced?"

Minato shot her a look that clearly stated that he didn't appreciate her droll wit. Kyuubi chortled to himself deep inside his head. The demon had exhausted its store of curses over the journey and had retreated to devise more. They'd arrived at Rock Village's customs point shortly after midnight and had promptly been subjected to a series of checks and tests by the officials. When Minato tried to use Naruto's influence to worm his way through, things had gotten worse. No one had forgotten that it was Naruto's best friend Sasuke who'd killed Deidara, their revered bomber. He might've been a criminal, but he'd still brought a tainted sort of glory to Iwagakure. Sasuke himself had kept a low profile and made it through customs without being detained, while the Yondaime had to sit through an extra session of questioning.

"I still don't see why they wanted to know the number of times I _**masturbate **_in a month."

"Maybe they're perverts. Maybe they get their kicks off knowing that you touch yourself at night."

"Sai, please!"

"So," Kakashi said, "Where do we go now? Where is this Kaya woman?"

Sakura pulled out the book that Minato had found information about the Ao family in. "'The ancestral home of the Chroniclers'," she read out loud, "'has always been the center piece of the most influential part of the Rock Village, the Pontocho District. It is here, on Moon Avenue, that the manse exists, and within the Ao family flourishes.'"

"Right," Minato said, "Where is the Pontocho District?"

A contemplative silence full of ignorance greeted him.

"Let's split up and look for it—"

"No!" Sai said, aghast, "That's a recipe for disaster, splitting up in a foreign place with no idea of where to go and what to do!"

Kakashi rolled his eyes. "Sai, get a grip. We're shinobi. We have visas. They can't touch us. And if they do you're entirely entitled to kick their ass."

Sasuke drew a hood over his head and glared irritably at the artist. "Coward," he hissed, "Naruto has twice your guts."

"And half my dick. You shut the fuck up, Uchiha. Fine, we'll split up. I go with Sakura."

The girl nodded amicably. "Sasuke, I'm assuming you're not coming with us, if Sai's with me?"

Sasuke looked away. "I'll go with Kakashi."

"And Minato-sensei," the Copy Nin said.

The young prodigy snorted. "No way. I'm not going with him."

The Yondaime blinked at the boy. "Why the hell not?"

"You may _**look **_like my best friend, but you're still just his asshole father."

"I'm not an—"

Kakashi intervened swiftly. "I'm going with my sensei, Sasuke, so if you want to come with yours then you're going to have to suck it up."

Sai opened his mouth to make a blow job joke, and Sakura caught him in the ribs with her elbow. "Don't even think about it," she hissed. He glared at her, flipped the bird to Sasuke and Minato, and followed her graceful leaps as she shot away. Kakashi turned expectantly to Sasuke, who snorted. "I'll go alone," he said, and was gone in a flash.

Minato looked up and down the street with a bewildered look. "They hate me," he said blankly.

"No, they just really love Naruto."

Minato looked down at his son's feet. "I'm a horrible father. Was it really that bad? What did the village do to him?"

Kakashi squirmed. "We basically ignored his existence."

Electric blue eyes quizzed his single grey orb. "Why? He's _**my **_son. I was a hero."

"They were more scared of the Kyuubi than they were in awe of you," the Copy Nin admitted reluctantly.

Minato drew a deep breath, controlling his emotions, and tilted his head up at the sky. Kyuubi ventured a comment.

_You're not a total asshole, you know. I mean, the kit's okay now. He's done well for himself._

Minato sure hoped so.

"C'mon Kakashi. Let's go find this district, and this woman, and her secrets, so I can get the hell back to the place where people know how to properly revere me."

0000000000000000000

Hell's gate is now open.

Please watch your step.

…No, I'm _**still **_fucking with you. Man, I am just non-stop today! But, alright, jokes aside? I want you to learn a little something about nirvana.

Once a year, as it's been said, the 'doors' to each individual spirit's paradise are flung wide open to facilitate travel. Now, you may be wondering about these doors. Are they rips in the material nirvana is made of? Are they invisible boundaries?

No, you dumbass. When I say doors, I mean doors. Honest to goodness portals that work on hinges made of spiritual energy that open and close in response to spiritual energy.

You better believe it.

These doors are made of jade, wood, gold—hell, Awaji the Asshole even had one made of vulcanized rubber. They didn't call him 'the Asshole' for nothing. (Serenely nod for me a bit here.)

These doors open at the will of the spirit. A soul that wishes to enter another's nirvana will 'knock'. This involves transferring their signature ether (think of it as spiritual DNA) to the door. The spirit whose door it is registers this request for entry and can either grant or deny it.

Some spirits that enjoyed a certain intimacy in life—couples, best friends—can have the privilege of melding their nirvana with their partner so that travel is made even easier. Kushina and Minato have done this: hence, she can just snap her fingers and will herself away to and from his nirvana.

Uchiha Obito also opened up his nirvana for the twins of Uzumaki Zinan, Leiko and Hinako. The girls visit his house on a regular basis, and with such regular visits, you'd think he'd learn to keep condoms out of sight. But hey, you can't make a leopard change its spots and you can't make Obito develop common sense.

However, I'm told it's possible to paint both leopards and Obito fuchsia. A dangerous task, no doubt, but a fun one nonetheless, if you're into that sort of thing.

Moving on, we now come to the path to be taken by Naruto and his cousins. The information Obito gave them was less where to go and more what to do. Ao Hatsuoki's nirvana is not open to these shinobi, so they need to wander through nirvana where they are welcome until they find someone who knows the feel and texture of Hatsuoki's paradise.

Getting her to let them in will probably prove a task worthy of Hercules in itself, but that comes later.

The reason all this information is being so lovingly imparted to you in narrative form is because it's harder to do it in dialogue.

Also, it's called filler. Deal with it.

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

**Alright, now to see which of the anime geeks caught the Darker than ****Black reference. **


	8. The Ao Family

**Our Father in Nirvana (And Thy Son on Earth)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto!**

**A/N: Muuh. I ate way too much chicken curry. **

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

It is imperative for the readers to understand something before our story continues.

There has been a slight time skip.

This is due to discrepancies in my energy levels and reluctance to write further filler and a desire to wrap this story up and shelf it. Also, I need Naruto on the same relative timeline as Minato.

The path of Naruto and his cousins shall be largely skipped over in order to get to the part where the meet the person who knows Hatsuoki's door.

His name is Awaimaru, and he is a total jerk.

"Awaimaru-san," Hinako said tetchily, "You are a total jerk."

"Funny," Awaimaru said, "It usually takes the stupid ones a lot longer to figure it out."

He lived in a nirvana of billowing lands, adorned with a good sized villa. He was a tall, wiry man that towered over all three of them. This height gave him the edge and they hated him for it. He had deep set hazel eyes and long straight hair that was pulled up in three pony tails of sleek black silk. Something about his smile gave the impression of a black widow waiting on her husband to turn so she can pounce him, and the cousins were loathe to turn their backs on him.

But Obito had been very clear that this was the man to get them to Hatsuoki's door, and so they were—well, not sucking up, because he was just _**such **_a jerk, but they were trying.

"Awaimaru-san," Leiko said, "Please, it's important that you show us the gate as soon as possible—"

"So we can get the hell away from you, you creepy bastard, so unfriendly—"

"Naruto nii-chan, _**hush. **_Let Leiko speak!"

"But he's such a—"

"Yeah," Hinako sighed, "I know."

"What do I get if I lend you little rats a hand?" Awaimaru asked, examining his manicured nails.

"Uh, good karma?"

"Cute," he rolled his eyes, "I already got into nirvana, little girl."

"Obito-san sent us here!" Hinako objected, "You gotta have some decency! Why can't you just show us the gate?"

"I am decent," the man said, "I'm so decent I'm trying to teach you a valuable life lesson. And that lesson is—are you ready?—the lesson is, everything has a price. Especially things you really, really want, and I can tell you really, really want this."

Naruto growled, his non existent patience running out. "Listen, old fart," he snarled, jabbing a finger at the spirit, "You and Kakashi sensei's dead pervert friend can talk this out later. _**He **_will give you whatever you want. Okay? We've got _**nothing **_on us right now, absolutely nothing of worth—"

"That's not true," Leiko said lightly, "Hinako and I stole some of Obito-san's fudge. That's gotta be worth a—ow!" she cried as her twin punched her shoulder, "What was that for?"

"That's the _**secretly stolen fudge **_you weren't supposed to tell people about, idiot!"

"Don't call me an idiot, you idiot—"

"All of you shut up," Awaimaru said crossly, "Fudge? I _**like **_fudge. I want the fudge. You give me the fudge, and I'll show you the door. Okay?"

Hinako glared fiercely at her sister as Leiko dug in her satchel for the dark dessert. Naruto kept muttering under his breath about the total jerkiness of the man they were forced to deal with, and finally, Awaimaru had his fudge.

"Okay little rats," he said, "This is it." He furrowed his eyebrows and pinched the air in front of him. A metal grate materialized in front of him, an iron lattice five feet tall and showing beyond it a peaceful Buddhist temple. A woman walked up to the gate, and scrutinized them. She was short, but slender and willowy. Her skin was roughened by wind, and her puce hair was a mess of curls tumbling part her shoulders. Turquoise eyes gleamed in the sun of Awaimaru's nirvana, and she smiled a loose smile.

"Well, well, well," she said, "If it isn't the three little pigs, come looking for the wolf."

0000000000000000

Sasuke spoke into his mike.

"I've found the district."

Less than two minutes later, the team was at Moon Avenue, staring at the palatial home of the Ao family. The outer walls were painted a deep purple. Through the wrought iron gates they could see the inside: a grand manse in the centre of the courtyard, with pillars of dark granite and floors of white marble. To the manse's right was a smaller house, built in the traditional Japanese style, only entirely made of expensive sandalwood.

"Sandalwood for the servants' quarters," Sakura whispered, "These people have way too much money."

On the other side of the house there was a large stable. It was only slightly less ostentatious than the servants' quarters, and they could hear the occasional snuffle of a cow.

"…Right…" Kakashi said, "Now, how to get in…?"

"They have a door," Minato pointed out.

"Oh, right," the Copy Nin said sheepishly, "Sometimes I forget ninjas don't always have to break and enter."

Sai rolled his eyes and tugged on the rope attached to the electric gong. Nothing made a sound, but it was presumed that deep inside the main house, someone was waking up.

Sure enough, a young girl of maybe fourteen years came scurrying to the gates. Her eyes were sleep crusted and her face was oily, but she smiled wearily at them.

"From Konoha, right? Yeah, Kaya-sama has been expecting you."

"Expecting us?" Sai echoed as she let them in from the servant's door to the side, "What do you mean, expecting us?"

"Well," the girl said, leading them across the courtyard, "Sandaime—sorry, the late Sandaime sent her a missive informing her that her family's jutsu was being used to teach a jinchuuriki a lesson in respecting his father. Apparently the kyuubi vessel was irritated with all the holidays in the name of his father that wasted the village's resources. I guess he thought they could be put to better use... Anyway, when Kaya-sama heard this, and then heard the Sandaime had died, she realized she was the only one who could undo the jutsu. So yes, she's been expecting you."

They were in the house by now, and the girl gestured them into a cozy parlor.

"Give me a holler if you need anything," she said, "My name's Pumpkin. I'll just go check on the mistress. Kaya-sama," she added at the expression on Minato's face.

"Right," Kakashi said, plopping himself into a sofa and cracking open his _Icha Icha _book, "We'll stick around here then."

000

"What the hell do you mean by that?" Naruto scowled.

"Did you just call us _**fat**_?" Hinako bristled.

"You don't look very wolf-ish," Leiko pondered.

"They're not very bright children," Awaimaru admitted. "Hatsuoki, they were sent by Obito."

"Obito?" the woman seemed taken aback, "Oh my! That is unexpected. So you're not the kids that toilet papered my house last year?"

"Of course not!" Naruto burst out impassionedly, "I wasn't even _**dead **_last year!"

Hinako and Leiko exchanged glances and shuffled their feet. "Yeah, that wasn't us," they mumbled in tandem.

"Then why in the name of the encompassing compassion of the Buddha are you here?"

"We need some information from you," Naruto said, "I'm Uzumaki Minato's son, and I'm not supposed to be dead. Technically, I'm not even dead. My father's spirit is occupying my body."

Hatsuoki blinked. "Uh-huh…? Yes, well, I can tell this is a story that will require some explaining, so come in, come in. Gates aren't the best place to hear tales of adventure."

She unlocked the door, and Awaimaru held it open. Leiko and Hinako entered, followed by Naruto, and the black widow spider man slid in last, closing it firmly behind him.

000

Ao Kaya was an elegant woman, and very beautiful. Beautiful enough that Kakashi looked up when she walked in through the door and shoved his book back into the depths of his jacket.

"Hello, shinobi of Konoha," she smiled at them all, "It's a pleasure to meet you."

"Ao Kaya," Minato rose from his seat to bow to her, "Thank you for being generous enough to offer your help. Your servant, Pumpkin, tells us you've been waiting for us."

"It wasn't too long a wait," Kaya replied, settling down in the sole armchair of the room, "Yondaime-sama."

"Please," the blond demurred, "Call me Minato."

"Well, Minato-san," Kaya said, "You've got a bit of a problem here, haven't you?"

"Obviously," Sai snorted, "Why else would we _**be **_here—ow!" he yelped as Sakura pinched his thigh, hard. "Shut up," she hissed dangerously, "This isn't our place to speak. Let them handle it!" Sasuke smirked to himself as he watched the artist's face go dark with pain.

"If you could give us a list for all the requirements for the jutsu," Kakashi said, "We'll split up immediately and start gathering them."

"Yes," Minato nodded, "We want to do this as quickly as possible—how long will it be before the jutsu takes effect."

Kaya glanced at the clock. "Well," she said, "If we start now, and take into consideration the time required for chanting…we should be done in five minutes."

There was a stunned silence as Team Seven digested this fact.

"Five _**minutes**_?" Sakura breathed, "Amazing."

"I'll bet," Sasuke whispered to her, "That the things needed for the jutsu are a pain to get."

"Bet they'll take weeks," Sai muttered in agreement.

Kaya shook her head. "We don't need anything at all for the jutsu. It's very simple. Ao family ninjutsu techniques are not the same as that of shinobi and soothsayers. I apologize for being witheringly superior, but we've evolved past requiring materials for spiritual jutsu. All we need is a good memory for chants and a strong voice."

There was another stunned silence. Pumpkin came in to serve them tea, and they absent mindedly sipped at their cups.

"So that's it?" Kakashi said after a bit, "I mean, that's quite straight forward, isn't it?"

"It's anti-climatic, that's what it is," Sai scowled to himself.

Suddenly, the wall behind Kaya collapsed, and a man leapt forth from the settling debris. Before the ninjas could move, he shot Kaya in the head and disappeared before the wall even completed falling apart.

Pumpkin gave a horrified shriek and fainted dead away.

Sai clapped his hands together delightedly.

"Now that's what I'm talking about!" he said, "Nothing anti-climatic about _**that!**_"

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

**Right, so battle ninjutsu is really quick and all, but I remember reading somewhere that most jutsu would take some time, and resemble spells. You need materials for them--because its essentially an alchemy of sorts. Myrr and frankincense and gold and shit. **

**Listen, I'm not clear on the concept myself. So lemme just apologize for the slacking off on my part and move on, okay? **


	9. The Murder and Its Afterlife

**Our Father in Nirvana (and Thy Son on Earth)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, and my teddy bear will back me up on that. **

**A/N: A wildly inventive witticism an intelligent individual does not make. **

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

Hatsuoki was one of those females who were beautiful without having the looks for it. A quality shone out through her eyes and lit up her whole face with a sort of bright assertiveness, and Naruto imagined that she had a beautiful soul.

He thought it, and then promptly beat himself up for thinking it.

"Does this sort of thing happen often?" Hatsuoki asked, setting out tea for the twins and Awaimaru as the blond punched himself in the face.

"We've no clue," Leiko said sadly, "We just met him."

"I thought you were cousins?"

"We are," Hinako affirmed.

Hatsuoki and Awaimaru exchanged glances. Clearly, this tale would have some explaining to do.

"Alright," panted Naruto after he was through teaching himself a lesson, "Here's how this works."

And so, during the drinking of several cups of tea and snacking on some _**very **_tasty cinnamon biscuits, the tale of Uzumaki Naruto and his Great Big Fuck Up was narrated to one Ao Hatsuoki of the Chroniclers and her asshole pal, Awaimaru.

000

Earth, meanwhile, had its own kettle of fish to fuss over.

Sakura was the first to recover, leaping over to Kaya's prone body and pumping chakra into it in a hectic attempt to jerk the heart back into action. Sasuke geared himself next, picking up Pumpkin and depositing her on the sofa. Sai pulled out a book and perused it, trying to find the proper thing to say after applauding the death of a woman crucial to the success of their mission, and Kakashi and Minato sort of milled around as though hoping Kaya would leap up and say 'April Fools!'.

It was a far fetched hope, but what the hell.

Sasuke sent a jab of chakra into Pumpkin's cheek. The pulse galvanized her parasympathetic and sympathetic systems and she came awake with a great shudder.

"Hey," he said, "Your mistress was just shot. We'll need to question you."

Pumpkin looked for a moment as though she was appalled by his total lack of consideration, and then he realized no, she was just about to vomit. He stepped aside with all the speed and grace of a ninja, and she threw up on the dusty carpet.

"Vomit," said Sai helpfully.

Minato and Kakashi milled around some more, and Sakura yelled at them.

"Don't just stand there, do something! Go out and see if you can find any clues as to who that guy was! Sai, get the girl some water from the kitchen!"

"Do I **_know_** where the kitchen is?" Sai muttered, but went to look for it nonetheless.

Sasuke proffered Pumpkin the tablecloth from the coffee table, and she wiped her mouth on it gratefully. He marveled at the servants' art of being able to appear grateful even as one wipes puke from ones' lips, and then stood up with her.

"I should help him find the kitchen," she said shakily, "I…I…need to walk."

And with legs as shaky as her voice, she followed Sai out of the room.

Minato and Kakashi had leapt out through the hole as ordered to by Sakura, and Sasuke approached the pink haired medic.

"No hope for her, I'm guessing?" he asked.

Sakura sat back and shook her head, and they looked down together at the still pretty face of Ao Kaya.

"Does this mean Naruto's father is stuck here?"

Sakura suppressed a shudder. "You better _**hope **_not."

But as they continued to gaze hopelessly at the dead body, they didn't think they really had a say in the matter any more.

000

Hatsuoki shook her head. "That," she said, "Is bordering on unbelievable."

"Really?" Awaimaru frowned, "Seemed pretty commonplace to me."

"That's because you were an adventurer when you were alive," Hatsuoki told him in an exasperated tone, "This sort of thing was all you ever heard! In the shinobi world, people don't just get sent to nirvana on errands!"

"That would render death a mere inconvenience," Hinako nodded. Leiko glanced askance at her twin for the mild profoundness of that statement, but otherwise kept mum.

"Yeah," Naruto said desperately, "So, can you lend me a hand or what?"

"I'd go with or what."

"What?"

"The thing is, little boy, I have no power over the mortal realm," Hatsuoki explained, "The power to control the family jutsu left me when I died and moved on to the eldest child with the Ao blood, and so on and so forth. And right now the eldest child in the family is Kaya—" Hatsuoki broke off here with a funny, pained look on her face. The three cousins and Awaimaru looked upon her with concern, as though she was a constipated puppy they'd chanced across in a kennel. Abruptly as it came the expression passed and Hatsuoki's face regained that bright assertive quality that made her so damn beautiful.

"Well, it seems as though Kaya is dead." The woman pulled out a pipe shaped like a dragon and put a pinch of tobacco in it from a silver box on the table. Awaimaru made a displeased noise, but she shot him a look as if to say _hey, back off. This is a pipe-smoking sort of scene!_

"…What?"

"Kaya is _**dead,**_" Hatsuoki said irritably, "I know because she—well, she's one of the last ones of my family left, isn't she? I watch them all now. A sort of karmic connection to sense what level of health they're in, so I can appear in a dream or vision and warn them if they're going to die without reproducing." She struck a match and lit her pipe. "The propagation of my clan is very important to me. To the shinobi world, too."

"One of the last…" Naruto said in a horrified whisper, "One of the last…does that mean, does that mean there's still someone who can help my dad?"

"Yes. She's has five children and a little brother. The brother will be the next oldest child; he will have received all the family powers now."

"She's got _**five **_kids?" Hinako said in disgust.

Hatsuoki shrugged. "One for each husband she's had, I believe. The girl can't really maintain relationships well. Each child is being raised by its respective father."

"And the brother?" Leiko asked.

Hatsuoki smiled the preening smile of a peacock who knows its feathers are the best in the pen.

"Ah now, he _**is **_something, is little Hoshi, isn't he? He was born into the wrong clan, as far as I can tell. He has no love for any of his family, even his sister. He hates us all, hates what he sees as our pomp and pretentiousness, our extravagant splendor. He doesn't believe Chroniclers need opulence. He tried to lobby for change, tried to get his parents to use some of their wealth to better their entire village—maybe the entire world, I wasn't paying much attention back then—and they denounced him. I believe he's taken up arms against us, joined a group of rebels who are determined to bring every wealthy family in the world to its knees and loot the ancestral homes in the name of good deeds and philanthrophism."

Naruto struggled to follow the flow of events.

"Then, the man who can help—who can set this straight, get me back to Earth—he's not going to be happy to do it?"

Hatsuoki's smile widened.

"Oh, he'll be happy to do it."

Hinako frowned, "But then, what's the problem?"

Awaimaru laughed as he cottoned on to Hatsuoki's train of thought. "Hoshi will be happy to help your friends," he grinned, "For a price, of course."

Naruto, Leiko and Hinako remembered how Awaimaru had insisted on repayment before opening Hatsuoki's gate for them. They thought they knew exactly what he meant, and they were right. Ao Hoshi would do the job. But he would demand compensation.

000

Pumpkin sat down on the couch again, her hands clamped tightly around a hot cup of coffee. Sakura sat to her side, a sympathetic hand rubbing warm circles on her lower back.

"Now, Pumpkin, I know your mistress was a very important person to you—"

"Important!" Pumpkin wailed, "She was my life! She saved my life! Oh, my poor mistress Kaya, gone where your Pumpkin can't serve you, what life will I live now?"

"A free one?" Sasuke suggested. Sakura threw him a look that suggested he may be the least sensitive jerk she'd ever had the misfortune to share an atmosphere with, and he fell quiet. Sai had gone to fetch Minato and Kakashi. No doubt the two were milling around outside the house as though hoping the _**real **_Ao Kaya would show up there and declare the body in the house an imposter.

"Pumpkin," Sakura said kindly, "Did your mistress tell anyone else about the jutsu? How to reverse it, maybe? Did she tell you?"

The maid took a deep breath of air, and a deep sip of coffee, and then her eyes filled up with tears. "Hot," she choked, "Hot!"

Sasuke hastily offered the tablecloth again, and she rubbed her tongue on it to stop the burning before answering Sakura. "She never told me outright," Pumpkin confessed, "But I often was nearby when she was practicing the arts. I picked up something or the other—but it's useless!" she cried at the sudden way Sakura's eyes had perked up, "It's useless, I can't do it! You need to be an Ao to do it! You need—to be—part of her _**family!**_"

Sakura's face fell, and she looked at Sasuke who knelt at Pumpkin's feet.

"And there's no next of kin?" he broached the topic in a gentle voice, "There's no more members of the Ao Family?"

"Of—of course—but…," and here Pumpkin let the true grief of her position overwhelm her and burst into fresh tears.

Sai chose this point to return with Minato and Kakashi, the former of which stared at Kaya's body and feebly joked, "So, she's still dead then, huh? Pity, I was hoping for a Jesus-esque resurrection."

And in the escalation of Pumpkin's sobs, and Sakura shouting at the tactless blond, and Kakashi leaping to his sensei's defense, no one heard Sai point out that Jesus had been resurrected three whole days after his death. But then, it didn't really matter, so that was that, and that was it.

Eventually, Pumpkin was calmed and they found out about Kaya's black sheep little brother, and it felt like a breath of fresh air: they had hope again.

Minato said, "Where does he live, then, the little rebel?"

Pumpkin said, "In the village. He's the man who sent the one who—_**shot—**_Kaya-sama."

Kakashi opened his mouth to deliver a dialogue at long last, and Sai beat him to it.

"Oh, good," he said, "Just when I was thinking this was getting easy again!"

Such was life.

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

**:D I love this chapter. I wrote it in, like, ten minutes. When inspiration strikes, it really beats one to a pulp. **


	10. MoreGoodbyesThanYouCanShakeAKunaiAt

**Our Father in Nirvana (and Thy Son on Earth) **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. **

**A/N: Hey, it's over! :D I had fun with this story (well actually I have fun with all my stories but this one was special for reasons I won't bother articulating to you), thanks for sticking with it. **

**Bocchan, for those who don't know, means "little master" and usually refers to the master's son. **

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

As dawn rose mistily over the land, they struggled up and down the hilly paths at the walking pace of a civilian because Pumpkin refused to be carried on Sakura's back like a basket of rice.

"It's bad for my self-esteem," she explained to Sasuke.

"All miseries spring from the presence of ego. One should submit to the womb of the word where one is part of a macro organism," Sasuke preached.

"I would do that," Pumpkin said, "Only I can't actually find the womb."

He might be dark and unconcerned with the world, but he knew sarcasm when he heard it. "True enlightenment," he scowled, "is a concept people like you will never grasp."

"Now, now," she said, "Is that what the Buddha would say?"

"Weren't you supposed to be mourning your dead mistress?"

"And that," Sai said as she burst into loud tears, "Is what my book calls waking a slumbering lion."

"Sasuke, you jerk," Sakura muttered hopelessly as she moved to comfort the wailing girl.

The rebel camp where Hoshi resided was located in the rugged terrain flanking Iwagakure. The hills were tamed only by narrow, winding paths that seemed to be leading them in spirals. Though the campsite was _**technically **_a secret known to none but the rebels themselves, Pumpkin had revealed that she used to take food parcels to Hoshi on his birthdays and all the major gift giving holidays because he too had been an Ao.

"There'll be no more of that, though," she said fiercely for the twelfth time as she let Sakura dry her tears, "Not after he killed his own sister!"

She and Sakura led the way, followed by Sasuke and Sai (who were almost but not quite walking together). Kakashi and Minato brought up the rear in thoughtful silences of their own.

The great stage director in the sky cued their dialogue and Kakashi Tai Chi'd their silence in the crotch.

"Sensei," he said, "Have you ever seen Obito or Rin in the afterlife?"

"Hey," Minato said, "Don't try to get any spoilers out of me. you'll just have to read the book through to the end like I did."  
"Okay then, do you hear what I hear?"

"You mean the inexpert trackers tracking us inexpertly? Yes."

The younger shinobi heard it too. Sakura leaned into Pumpkin and whispered. Sasuke and Sai started arguing to cover her. Minato stretched his son's arms luxuriously, catching his old student in his uncovered eye.

"Ow!" Kakashi cried, "Dammit sensei!"

"My bad," Minato apologized, "Naruto's arms are longer than mine."

"That's 'cause he's more apish," Sakura called back to them, "I know because every time I slam his head against something I can hear his tiny pea sized brain rattling around."

"Apes don't have pea-sized brains," Minato said crossly, "Stop razzing on my son."

"I'll _**razz **_on my teammate any time I feel like it," she growled, "You see, his parents are dead. There was no one of proper authority to stop us from doing it when he was young, so now he's used to it."

"That was cold," Kakashi said to his sensei, "They really don't like you."

Kyuubi kept mum, and Minato said nothing further in addition to that topic because at that point two darkly clad figures tossed themselves from the deep woods to their left, tumbling onto their path and leaping up with matching expressions of dire annoyance.

Pumpkin shrieked unconvincingly as though a ninja had recently whispered to her that the people tracking them might make an appearance soon. The whole group stopped as they were and waited for the newcomers to speak.

"Halt!" barked the one on the left, "You have trespassed on our lands and must be executed!"

"No," hissed her companion, "We have to arrest them!"

"Oh yeah," said the first, "We will arrest you, and then you will be executed! Choose you means of a possibly violent and totally unnatural death!"

"I'd like to die I battle," Kakashi opined, "In a last, savage burst of fury."

"What, you mean like Zabuza?" Sasuke asked, "That'd actually be pretty cool."

"I think I'd like to be burnt publicly," Sakura mused, "More…moving. Almost guarantees martyrdom, and I'd like to go knowing that my dying screams traumatized someone. A nice revenge."

"That'd be insanely painful though," Minato argued, "Which is why if I could die all over again I'd drown. Just the calm rush of water, a few moments of inescapable panic, and then…you know."

"I'd've liked to die with my mistress," Pumpkin bemoaned, "Oh, but life is agonizing without her!"

"I'm starting to think there was more to their relationship than met the eye," Kakashi murmured to Sasuke, who secretly thought so too. "What about you, Sai?" the Copy Nin asked his latest addition.

"Death by sex," the artist said firmly. There was a pause as everyone considered his answer, and then a loud chorus of agreement.

"What the—god damn it!' the rebel woman who'd first posed the question of death seethed, "I wasn't trying to spark a discussion, assholes! I was intimidating you! Raana," she turned to her comrade, "Tell them!"

The man ruminated and gave his opinion. "I'm celibate, but I like the idea of death by chocolate. Does a sort of poetic justice to the dessert, don't you think?" he asked the female, "Miu?"

The girl gave a short scream of frustration and threw down her weapon, a saber.

Sakura retrieved it and offered it back to her. "Listen," she said, "Miu, and Raana. Hello, hi. We're ninja from Konohagakure and we've a favor we'd like to ask of one of your people. His name's Ao Hoshi—do you know him?"

There was a sharp intake of breath from Raana, which Miu ignored. "Know him?" she laughed, "Know him! of course we know him; Raana here worships the air Hoshi breathes and the latrine he craps on, don't you Raana?"

"Yes," said the man, "He's a genius!"

"He's a swindler and a crook and he made it so Raana pretends to be asexual like him."

"Asexual?" Sai frowned.

"Asexual," Pumpkin affirmed, "Hoshi-san has no feelings of lust for either men or women."

"It's a hormone deficiency," Miu scoffed dismissively, "And its cute that Raana thinks he has it too but I hear him masturbating late at night—"

"Miu," Raana said evenly, "Go shove your head up your own ass and die."

"Anyway!" Miu yelled, "Why should we take you to him, eh? We should execute you!"

"After arresting us?" Sasuke suggested innocently.

"Yes! After arresting you and subjecting you to a fair trial by a jury comprised of our peers!"

Since all that would mean actually getting someplace more civilized than this sad path, the ninja let the civilians boss them off the path and up nearly half a mile of a wild mountain.

A small crack in the mountain's side allowed them to pass single file into a large cavern. _Armillariella mellea _mushrooms covered the walls up to a certain extent. The rusty sign post proclaimed the place to be Ye Olde Courtroome. The roof had the fuzzy aura of a bat dormitory.

"Adding e's to the end of a word doesn't make it of yore," Minato said, staring unhappily at the batshit under his feet, "Why—"

"Shhh," Miu said, "You'll disturb the gods."

She cast a reverent look upwards and Raana rolled his eyes. "Right," he said, "And she thinks my role model is bad. At least Hoshi doesn't crap on our legal system."

"Not literally," loomed a male voice out of the darkness, "But he never pays his taxes, the pesky bocchan."

They moved past the walls of luminescent mushrooms that threw an eerie foxfire over the cavern floor, past roughly hewn tone benches and came to a stone dais where one man lounged, a bone between his lips. He had a wild crown of reddish hair that was streaked with grey; dark, stylish sunglasses hid his eyes.

"Our magistrate and leader," Miu introduced, "His name is Fuggen Osm."

"Okay," Minato said after a pause, "What is it?"

"Fuggen Osm," Raana frowned.

Minato said, "Uh-huh," in a knowing way that signified that he knew nothing.

"Very nice magistrate," Sai approved, "Are the sunglasses there to invoke an image of the blind Lady Justice?"

"No," stretched Fuggen Osm, "I have them on to emotionally distance myself from people."

"I see," Sakura said, "To maintain a professional, unbiased mentality."

"No," Fuggen Osm said again, "I just don't like making friends with people. They make the most pompous assumptions."

"Wouldn't they make worse assumptions (like we just did)," argued Minato, "If you don't let them know the real you?"

"Sure," the judge said, "But they (unlike you) might do it behind my back and so I'll be spared the agony of having to hear them, yeah?"

Sasuke cast a dour look at Kakashi. "Why are all these people so stupid?"

His infinitely more patient sensei cast an arm around the boy and grinned. "Never underestimate the power of morons in large numbers."

Fuggen Osm randomly leapt to his feet and waved his hands at Miu and Raana. "Go, go!" he yelled, "Leave and be merry! Go forth and multiply!"

Accustomed to their boss' eccentricities, the trackers bowed briefly and left. Fuggen Osm took exaggerated steps to the fungal wall, sniffed one fine specimen and took a bite out of it.

"That can't be good for his health," Sakura frowned, and he seemed to agree with her. He spat it out, stomped on it, and looked up sanely at them.

"Shinobi of Konohagakure and civilian guest," Fuggen Osm declared, "Welcome to Ye Olde Courtroome of the Rock rebels."

"Hey," Minato said, "How'd you know—?"

"Headbands," Fuggen Osm interrupted, "My people may be stupid but I am not. Now tell me, why are you here?"

Pumpkin, who'd spent way too long in silence, burst out, "We want Hoshi-san!"  
Fuggen Osm looked unsurprised. "The bocchan? Um, no, he's too valuable. Thanks for visiting, buh-bye now." He pointed to the exit and set off toward the back of the cavern himself.

"I'm not sure I believe him when he says he's not stupid," Sasuke said as they all followed him, "God I hate guano," he added as he stepped in a moist pile of it.

"Mix that into mud and you've got a face pack," Sakura grinned.

"Women are disgusting."

"We don't want to kill him or anything," Kakashi was appealing to Fuggen Osm, "We need a favor from him. Ao Kaya died—"

"On my orders. But it was Hoshi's idea. Were you chummy with the sister?"

"I wish," the Copy Nin said, thinking of all that wasted beauty.

"She was going to help us out with a problem," Minato said. Fuggen Osm kept walking, but turned to look the Yondaime's son's body up and down.

"I think I know you," he said, "Didn't you try to sell me something once?"

"I'm not a salesman," Minato brushed aside the accusation, "Can we just _**talk **_to Hoshi?"

"I have a question," Sai announced.

"Go kill yourself with it," Sasuke told him.

"Not now, Sai," Sakura griped.

"We want Hoshi-san!" Pumpkin wailed.

"I should've never accepted that teaching job," Kakashi grumbled.

Fuggen Osm stopped and pursed his lips, facing all three of them. They were at the mouth (or anus, your wish) of a passageway out of the cavern. It was lit on the inside with fluorescent quartz, which exists on my command. Go enforce truth elsewhere.

"Look," he told them, "You're not welcome here. Stop inflicting your company on me. I must warn you—I'm armed with knives.

"My question just became very relevant," insisted Sai.

"I hope you die from unsatisfied curiosity," Sasuke informed him.

"Hoshi-san!" Pumpkin sniffed. Kakashi put a comforting arm around her and Minato gnashed his teeth.

"What _**is **_it, Sai?" Sakura scowled.

"We're all high-level ninja. Why are we begging this man for an audience with Hoshi instead of smashing our way to him?"

What a good question, everyone thought, and Fuggen Osm began to run.

000

Somewhere in a happier dimension, Naruto said, "I'm bored."

"I have an extensive library," Hatsuoki invited, "You're welcome to browse through it."

"Books suck," Naruto said loudly to cover the shouts of his cousins as they dashed off in the pursuit of happiness.

"Card game?" Hatsuoki asked.

Several wildly unexciting rounds of Go Fish later, Naruto said, "I'm bored."

"Entertaining a teenager is hard work," Hatsuoki confessed to Awaimaru.

"Looks like it," the asshole said, "Well, see ya 'round."

"You're leaving!"

"Duh."

She blamed herself for befriending jerks, and looked at Naruto.

"Bored, bored, bored," he said.

Hatsuoki sighed. "Me, too."

000

They caught Fuggen Osm in about two seconds, of course, and tickled him blue until he begged for mercy.

"I beg for mercy!" he squealed under the torturous presence of Sakura's fingers on his ribcage, "I'll take you to him, I'll take you!"

It was mostly uneventful, their journey through the passageway. They emerged into the crater of the mountain, a deep pit with morning sky brimming way above it.

"Cripes," Kakashi despaired, "You live in a pit."

"It's a fucking awesome pit," Fuggen Osm said indignantly. Sakura threatened him with her fingers, and he let them sullenly towards a gathering of huts.

"Mornin', Fuggen-dono!" greeted a few early morning risers.

"Morning, comrades," their leader smiled back. "We the Rock rebels," he told his guests, "Are working to bring a better future to the world."

"Spare me, Fuggen-san," Pumpkin said tearfully, "Murder is not the way to a better future. I know what you're going to do with the Ao wealth. You'll distribute it to beggars. _**Beggars **_will be living in my Kaya-sama's ancestral abode. I ask you, if all the beggars are rich, to whom will the citizens give their trash to?"

"Pumpkin, please," Fuggen Osm said in mild chagrin, "We're not looking to take away the beggars' livelihood. We're trying to give them the dignity of humans."

"What do they need dignity for?" Pumpkin cried, "They're _**beggars!**_"

"Hey," Sasuke growled, "Not that I enjoy hearing civilian concerns—I don't—so is that Hoshi?"

Everyone turned to look at a young man with his back to them and Ao Kaya's puce hair.

"That's him," Fuggen Osm said heartily, "Well, you guys have a fun talk. I'm just gonna go round up a posse and see if we can't chase you away."

"Not so fast," Minato said, "You're coming with us."

"Why does that sound so foreboding?"

000

In the land beyond time, Naruto said, "Oh, yes! Oh, yes! Fuck, yeah! Faster, bitch, faster!"

"Now, now," Hatsuoki reprimanded him, "Just because you've won the game doesn't mean you need to forger your indoor voice."

"This _**is **_my indoor voice. Kaka-sensei says I'm incapable of human decibels and the bastard agrees."

"Fine," Hatsuoki said, and left the teen alone with the video game. She moved around her courtyard, pausing at the ornamental bushes scattered here and there, checking on the human realm every now and then. She was watching Hoshi, and now a group of people were approaching him, a young blond leading the way.

"Naruto! Naruto, come quickly!" Hatsuoki hollered, bringing the scene out into the air (figuratively speaking) in front of her. He'd want to see this.

He, actually, was more interested in playing GTA: Chinatown Wars and I for one am not going to blame him.

000

"Di you say resurrection?" Hoshi asked.

"No," Minato said in irritation, "We didn't."

"Oh. It'd've been nice if you did. I had a dream about resurrections last night and I think it signified something."

"No more coffee before bed?" Sakura guessed.

"Well, yeah, but also something bigger."

"Can we focus," Minato carried on, "I was telling you how your untimely assassination—"

"Is an assassination ever _**timely**_?" Hoshi sneered at him.

"Well," Kakashi pondered, "If you were to kill someone right before they were going to press the proverbial big red button…"

"Point," Hoshi conceded.

"Can I continue?" Minato grit out with an abysmal attempt at politeness.

"_**May **_I continue," corrected Sai, who'd been practicing his grammar.

Minato turned in desperation towards Sasuke, who might be his only ally in the face of all this formidable nonsense.

"I would," acknowledged the Uchiha with a self-satisfied smirk, "But I don't like you."

"The faster I leave, the faster Naruto comes back."

"Oh, yeah," Sasuke said, "Okay morons, shut the hell up except for the blond."

Fuggen Osm raised his hand. "I used to be blond," he said hopefully, "Can I talk?"

"No. Current blonds only."

"Hey," a passing blond quipped, "Current blonds only what?"

"Are dumb," Sai said proudly, having remembered the joke from a book. The blond stiffened (not in his dark places) and grew red in the face.

"Sorry," Sakura lifted a hand lazily, "He's an idiot."

"Control your idiot, then," the blond griped, and marched away.

"Sure," said Sakura, "You wank."

Fuggen Osm said, "That's my citizen you're talking to."

Pumpkin said, "Do you really want to make her mad at you?" and he figured no, he really didn't.

The story came out not in bits and pieces, but in quarks and mesons.

000

"My daddy's in there?" Naruto asked, peering at his body through Hatsuoki's window.

"Basically," she said, "They're negotiating with Hoshi."

"Who is really kinda cute, by the way," Leiko mused thoughtfully. Her twin emoted disbelief at her.

"I wish I could see what my dad's face looked like," Naruto whispered.

"Oh, you can," Hinako said, "We carry around family pictures, don't we Leiko?"

"Sure do," Leiko said, and presented her cousin a photo of Namikaze Minato, Yondaime Hokage of Konohagakure.

He stared it at for a long time, and then went, "Wow, they really made his nose look good on that Hokage monument, didn't they?"

Daddy's little boy.

000

"And so," Minato concluded, "You now have the hereditary power; we need you to use them to banish me from whence I came."

"Like an exorcism?" Hoshi asked.

"If that helps you."

"Can't."

Kakashi put in, "We can pay you."  
"I didn't say I won't," Hoshi explained, "I said I can't."

"Why on earth not?" Pumpkin exclaimed, "You're the next in line!"

"Search me," Hoshi shrugged.

"No Sai, not literally," Sakura thrust out a hand to stop the artist as he moved.

"Look," their puce haired hope pursued, "Pumpkin, you know me. If I stood to benefit by helping out, I would. And helping these ninjas could totally benefit me. But I'm ashamed to say I have my limits and my rules and I don't charge if I can't deliver. Maybe I have a black sheep older sibling hidden somewhere because I don't have the powers."

"Impossible," Sasuke said weakly, his heart sinking.

"Can I go now?" Fuggen Osm hummed with boredom.

"How do you know you haven't got the powers?" Kakashi demanded.

"Why do you think I wanted my sister dead?"

"You wanted her money and property to go to your sick, sick cause!" Pumpkin spat.

"Well, yes. But also, I wanted her talents. If I had the family's forte, I could do crazy shit."

"So," Sakura summarized, "You murdered your sister for the good of the world?"

"That was already established," Minato said glumly. "I assume you tested to see whether you could use the Ao jutsu?" he shot at Hoshi. It was Fuggen Osm who answered.

"Yes. Just before you came. It was because it didn't work that I was moping in the courtroom."

"Nice place to do that," Sai said, but they ignored him.

"So the next in line is someone with Ao blood in their veins," Hoshi said, looking a little interested, "I wonder if sis ever donated to blood camps."

"No," Sasuke said in horror, "You're not serious."

"If she donated," Sakura moaned, "She could've given blood to anyone. _**Anyone.**_"

"Nonsense," Pumpkin sniffed, "Kaya-sama never gave to those crass blood sucking fiends. The only people she ever gave the privilege of sharing her blood to were her children…and me."

000

Naruto said, "I don't get it."

Leiko and Hinako looked unsurprised.

Hatsuoki stuck her pipe between her lips and elucidated. "The power to use the jutsu is transferable with blood. Kaya must've realized Hoshi was next in line and that she didn't like his intentions so passed her blood on to her close servant—who was _**older **_than Hoshi, thus removing him from the chain. If Pumpkin outlives Hoshi then the next person to be blessed by the ancestral talent would be Kaya's eldest child."

"Wait," Naruto said, "That girl's older than the guy? She looks younger than me!"

"Oh no, Pumpkin's over twenty, and Hoshi's only nineteen," Hatsuoki assured him, "She uses an old Iwagakure secret to look young."

"What is it?" Leiko asked keenly.

"Fresh cow dung mixed with curdled milk, applied daily on your skin. What?" she added defensively over the faked barfing sounds the girls were making, "That was the cost of beauty in my day!"

000

"But that's ridiculous," objected Pumpkin.

"God damn it girl," Fuggen Osm said, "This whole scenario's ridiculous. Don't belittle our imaginations with your scorn."

"Okay, the old guy stopped being funny and we don't need him," Sakura said, "Can't he leave?"

"Like he's going to miss this," Hoshi said contemptuously as he led Pumpkin to his hut, "Its monumental."

"Oh its mental alright," Sasuke said, but his scathing tone was mellowed out by his excitement at the prospect of getting rid of his best friend's father.

"I'm telling you, I can't do it!"  
"Don't be so modest, Pumpkin," Minato said, "How can we help?" he added to Hoshi.

"Get the big blue book out of my bookshelf."

"Done," Kakashi said, slamming it on the desk at which they'd seated Pumpkin.

"Nubbin's coming back," Sai told Fuggen Osm in a happy tone.

"Whoop de fuckin' doo."

"Just read from it," Hoshi encouraged his sister's companion, "You can do it."

With strong feelings of not only misgiving but total lack of faith, Pumpkin began to recite the ancient incantation of a soul transfer.

000

"Holy shit," Naruto said, "This is it, I'm going."

"Wait!" Hinako hollered, "Leiko and I have to say goodbye from the whole family!"

They took him down in a flurry of hugs and kisses and suffocating affection. Hatsuoki felt a knock at her door.

"Who's it?" she called.

"Obito. Is Naruto still around?"

"Yes," the woman said, "Come on in."

The Copy Nin's source of power entered her nirvana and saw the three young people in an indecent pile.

"You know," he said, "It worries me that you're all on top of each other whenever I see you. I should tell your parents."

"Shut up," Naruto sulked.

"We were saying goodbye," Leiko told the dead guy.

"Great. Listen, Naruto, I have a favor to ask."

"Speaking of which," the blond remembered, "I forgot to ask Hatsuoki about your thing."

"What thing?" Hinako asked immediately.

"Secret recipe," Obito said, "Passed down in this family for generations. I thought I could barter for it."

"You attach way too much importance to food, Obito," Leiko shook her head.

"Well, it deserves it! Anyway, Naruto. I've got mail." He handed the whiskered boy three fat envelopes. "One's from me, one's from Rin and one's from Kakashi's father."

"I see," Naruto said, pocketing them, "And who do I give them to?"

Obito turned to the girls to ask, oh my god, is he really that stupid? The girls replied grimly that yes, yes he was.

"To _**Kakashi,**_" Obito enunciated, "You idiot," he also said, trying to pass it off as a term of endearment.

"Fine," Naruto said, "Will they be…you know, tangible on Earth?"

"Yes," Obito said, "They're written on magic paper. Ooooh," he waggled his fingers at the blond. Naruto stared blankly at him. the Uchiha looked at the girls again, who said no, he's not _**that **_stupid.

"Can we finish saying goodbye now?" Hinako asked, and tackled Naruto with love again.

000

"Hey," Minato said, "I think I feel something!"

"That's me," Sai said, "I'm putting my hand in your pants."

In the uproar that followed, Hoshi telling Pumpkin to keep reading was the only event of consequence that occurred.

"What the hell is wrong with you!?" Sasuke screamed at Sai, who looked very hurt.

"The book says intimacy shows affection. I was just saying goodbye to nubbin's father to make a good impression, man-slut, so would you please metaphorically get off my back?"

"Sai," Sakura said kindly, "Let's take a walk."

"But I don't want to miss—"

"_**Sai**_." Sakura said unkindly. "Let's. Take. A walk."

You don't mess with a woman who can use that tone.

Kakashi turned to Minato. "Goodbye, sensei. I—well, it was _**weird **_seeing you again. Not that I actually got to see _**you **_again. But, I mean, meeting you. Was weird. But I don't regret it. Its just…um. I'm sorry for not taking care of Naruto when he was young. I'm sorry I gave into peer pressure."

Minato hugged his old student tightly. "I forgive you. just to me a favor, okay? Tell Naruto I love him. That I'm proud of him." Tears welled up in his eyes but he refused to let them stop him. "Tell him I'm sorry for ruining his life."

"Hey," Fuggen Osm shouted suddenly, "I remember where I know you from! You're that Naruto kid whose friend killed Deidara!"

"And I'm the friend," Sasuke divulged. Fuggen's eyes popped.

"Holy cow! That's crazy! I admire you, you know? Deidara was a shit."

Minato turned to Sasuke. "Um," he began awkwardly, "Look…"

"You're sorry about me hating you and wish you'd been a better father," Sasuke supplied, "Its okay. The loser didn't turn out too bad. He's got us, we'll keep him happy."

"Um," Minato said, "Cool."

_**Bye, asshole, **_Kyuubi said, _**I hate your guts, dead or alive. **_

Sakura brought Sai back and appraised the Yondaime. "Well," she said at last, "Take care. And…hmm." She pursed her lips as though stopping herself from calling him names and gestured for Sai to say bye.

"Farewell," the artist shook Minato's hand, "I think you're ugly and I'm happy to see you go."

"Screw this shit," Minato said, "Kakashi, I liked your goodbye the best."

Pumpkin finished reading. She looked wan and breathless; there was an unhealthy tinge to her skin. It was the blue-white complexion of a genteel person with bad circulation.

"The Ao complexion," Hoshi pronounced with a mix of satisfaction and longing.

That was when Minato felt his soul disengage, and the warm darkness of the afterlife enveloped him again. There was a powerful rush in his ears. He felt something brush up against him, something young, blond and startlingly familiar. The man twisted back towards his son, yelling, "Naruto!" and felt a sharp voice reply, "Dad!?" but the lure of death was too strong and he tumble into Hatsuoki's nirvana with his nieces looking at him in awe.

"Hey, Uncle!" Leiko said eagerly, "Nii-san left, like, two seconds ago!"

"You don't say?" Minato asked warmly, settling in to hear how kickass his son was.

000

"Your dad's a douche, man."

"More annoying than Ino!"

"I actually thought you looked less hot when he was in your body, nubbin."

_**Your father stinks worse than you do, kit.**_

Naruto frowned and looked at Kakashi for a second (fifth) opinion.

"It was nice to have my sensei back for a while. He was happy to see how loyal your friends are to you. A little insulted, but happy."

Naruto threw his arms around the captain of team seven. "Really?"

"He's proud of you, Naruto. What father wouldn't be?" Kakashi hugged hard. "You kept going, you kept trying. You made a life for yourself by your own mettle, out of his shadow. You're going to be a great man, just like him."

Naruto gave a great shout of laughter and let his sensei go. But Sasuke had to have the last word.

"Maybe not _**just **_like him. If you make my godson a jinchuuriki, Naruto, I'm going to kick your ass."

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

**/beams at the readers/ I hope you loved it. Like, really loved it. **


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